Because I am poor super healthy I like to work out during my lunch hour instead of going out to lunch every day and actually enjoying my break. Today’s lunch time fitness yielded two separate but exciting events that compelled me to write the people responsible for these events letters of gratitude.
Dear Ball Boy:
Thank you so much for showing me your nuts today. It really helped me pick up the pace on the treadmill. I haven’t done a 7:30 mile in a long time but it felt good and really got those endorphins going! Question for you: Are you a ballerina? Because you were certainly stretching like one with your leg up on the railing like that. Was it necessary to stretch so intensely and in so many different positions? Also, while I dig your super short gray gym shorts they are not necessarily conducive to the squats you were performing in between your groin stretches. Lastly, I certainly hope you were sufficiently warmed up before doing those stretches-you wouldn’t want to pull a muscle!
With Love Always,
Dear VCU Student I Almost Hit With My Car:
You never saw me as you lazied across Franklin St without a care in the world but I certainly saw you and, in case you were wondering, the contents of my purse are still strewn across my floorboard since I had to slam on my brakes to avoid turning you into Lil Baby Hipster Road Pizza. You were too busy texting, listening to music and smoking your cig to see me driving down the road. Listen, I know being in college is tough. It’s hard drinking every night, sleeping in late and going to class for a few hours each day and that’s why I’m not mad. I’m just disappointed. The next time I yell for you to, “fucking look before you cross the god damn road!” I would like you hear me. Listening to music that loud is bad for your ear drums young lady and can lead to permanent hearing loss!
Sincerely and Respectfully Yours,