Black Friday Shopping Guide Part 1

Do You Love America?

Black Friday will here before you know it. It is the most important shopping day of the year and in case you did not know, we are in the middle of the worst recession since the Great Depression.  What better way to help bail out the banks than going out and buying a bunch of useless crap you do not need and can not afford?  Far be it from me to call someone Un-American but if you do not go shopping on Black Friday then you are, at the very least, a Communist Socialist.  

To prepare you for the shopping bonanza that will shortly ensue the CD will have a three-part series instructing you how to get ready for Black Friday.  Do not be fooled by other Black Friday shopping guides! They are all Socialist Communists trying to trick you into staying home and save your rubles…er…um…dollars.   

Today we will focus on the first step: preparation.  Before you can effectively spend money you must identify which items you want to purchase and where said items will be located.  Do you want new bathroom towels or Rock Band?  Tickle-Me-Elmo or a new lap top?  Which big box chain is selling said item? Wal-Mart? Target? Best Buy? 

Ask yourself if you are attempting to obtain the “hot” item the store is selling and weigh out the benefits and consequences of attempting to procure said item. Sure, everyone wants a $3.00 coffee pot but at what cost?  If there are only 15 $3.00 coffee pots but forty five people trying to obtain said coffee pot then perhaps your odds of getting your alternate “must have” item on your list is the better option.  Clearly I am referring to the Nash Equilibrium TheoryEveryone wants the best deal but if everyone goes for the best deal then many people leave empty handed.  Instead, pick the second and third best deals. (I.e. the Comfort Seat Cushion with Heat & Massage for the unbelievably low price of $17.49 or Country Style Holiday Doormats for the everything-must-go-bargain price of $2.99). 

If you want to really make Black Friday your bitch you will need to make it a group effort.  Enlist fellow patriots to help.  Make sure there is a clear leader of the group and delegate responsibilities accordingly ahead of time to avoid confusion.  Make it clear from the beginning that this is not a democracy. There is no time for “group think” on Black Friday.  Have a back up plan in case someone gets lost or trampled.  Bring extra body bags to prevent slippery floors caused by bodily fluids.

Plan, plan, plan. I can not stress this enough. Expect the unexpected.  Anticipate roadblocks and deal with them accordingly. Mental preparation is key.  Visualize your items and make it happen. If you follow these steps then I promise you walk out of that K-Mart with the $25.00 Martha Stewart comforter of your dreams. 

Tomorrow we will focus on store optimization techniques.

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8 thoughts on “Black Friday Shopping Guide Part 1

  1. I am planning on testing out your “strategies” this friday. If they don’t work can I hit you up for the difference in price?

    Also, what’s you take on wearing costumes to Black Friday?

    1. 100% satisfaction is guaranteed so if they don’t work out for you then yes, I will refund you the difference in price. I find that as long as costumes do not hinder the shopping experience then they are a good way to show how much you love America. I would suggest dressing up as Uncle Sam. For the women: Lady Liberty.

  2. There’s no way in HELL I’m going in a store on Black Friday. I nearly didn’t survive the last time I did – in 1994. Those damn people are dangerous!

    Oh – for what it’s worth, communism is so last-century. Anarchism is the political wave of the future!

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