Black Friday Shopping Guide Part 2

Do you love Freedom?

Do you love Freedom?  Do you hate freedom-mongers?  Then by transitive reasoning you need to get out there on Black Friday and wear your dollar on your sleeve.  Tell the world you are proud to be an American. Do not let the terrorists win!   They don’t want you to buy that Fuji FinePix J28 Camera, 2GB SD Card & Case for the unbeatable price of just $80.00 but this America, damn it and we do what we damn well please! 

Black Friday is in two days. Are you ready? Of course you are not ready. You have only learned the first in the trifecta of Black Friday shopping rules. Yesterday you learned the importance of preparation and the importance of deeming which items are worth your time in obtaining.  Today you will learn about store optimization techniques.   

If possible plant an undercover agent as a hired employee several months prior to learn the inside tips and tricks to opening procedures.  Who hold the keys? Who is in charge?  Do all doors open simultaneously?  Are all registers staffed and open at the same time?  Have your undercover agent tediously detail all store procedures in a notebook that may be referred to on Friday. 

Obtain store blue prints. Memorize them.  It should take you no longer .2 seconds to tell which aisle has the Yankee Candles and which aisle has the plasma screen TVs.  Once the store’s layout has been committed to memory sketch color-coded foot trails based on deal juiciness. Memorize them.  Sketch and memorize alternate routes in case of roadblocks caused by piles of frenzied shoppers. 

The Leader of the group will dispense walkie talkies to other Patriots prior to the store opening. Once the store opens the Leader needs to obtain a bird’s eye view of the store where he or she can direct the rest of the teammates’ actions.  There needs to be at least two Runners. These Patriots need to be small in stature and fast-footed. They can not be afraid to throw a punch and be a good tumbler.  Tasers are not required, but recommended.  You will also need a Shopping Cart Czar who is to be positioned at a key location in the store where they remain stationed with the shopping cart. The cart must never move its predetermined position and its placement must be equidistant from your desired items.  The Shopping Cart Czar should preferably be trained in mixed-martial arts and not be afraid to use nunchucks in extreme situations. 

All team mates should practice agility exercises in the anticipation of bottlenecks caused by narrow aisle ways. Yoga, Pilates and strength resistance training are key.  Watch nature videos of monkeys in their natural habit and learn to climb.  This is particularly important if you plan on going to Costco or Sam’s Club.  Go rappelling to get over your fear of heights. Get over any fears of enclosed spaces by getting unnecessary MRIs several weeks prior.

If you follow these simple tips then you will find you are 2/3 of the way to success.  You will get the last DieHard Wheeled Battery Charger/Start for the basement bargain price of $69.99. Trust.  Up tomorrow: Black Friday Eve Rituals.

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