Black Friday Shopping Guide Part 3

Do you love Jesus?


If you love Jesus then you love America, freedom and Black Friday. It’s just that simple.  You’ve already learned two of the three tips to having a successful Black Friday: preparation and optimization techniques.  You know your basics and you are 2/3 of the way there.  Perhaps the most important part of any shopping spree is getting ready the night prior. What you do on Black Friday Eve, also called Thanksgiving by some, is crucial. 
First and foremost you need to start drinking.  Heavily.  The amount you drink is important as you do not want to drink so much that you pass out. Instead you need to maintain a decent buzz that will last you until the store opens.  I recommend drinking whiskey or wine. Beer tends to bloat one up and causes frequent bathroom breaks.  Interperse alcoholic drinks with a Red Bull (it gives you wings!) every third drink or so.  Illegal drug usage is acceptable but not recommended.  You do not want getting all jittery before the store opens. You need to be feisty enough from the whiskey that you do not mind throwing ‘bows but level-headed enough to remember you want that Nintendo Wii Console with Wii Sports Resort Value Bundle at the unbeatable price of $279.00! 
DO NOT GO TO SLEEP!  If you fall asleep and get up early then you have already lost.  Sleep deprivation adds to the sense of excitement and urgency.  Pop caffeine pills to stay awake if necessary a la Jessie Spano in Saved by the Bell.  Arrive at the store at LEAST four hours before it opens.  Do not bring extra equipment (i.e propane stoves, grills, etc) with you while wait in line.  Do bring more alcohol, cigarettes and music-death metal preferably.  Bring snacks.  Beef Jerky is a good choice as are pre-cooked Lil Smokies.  Do jumping jacks to remain alert. Heckle others in line. Warn them that you are about to “bring it”. 
Send undercover ops into the line to feel out what they are going for and adjust your plan accordingly. About twenty minutes before the store opens take three shots of whiskey to get warmed up. Dispense walkie talkies to your Patriots. Remind them of the goal at hand. Do trust falls to increase team morale.  Huddle up and pray five minutes before it is “go time”. Ask JC to bless you and make your shopping trip successful.  He is not too busy to answer your prayers!
If you follow these three easy steps then success will be yours. You will have more KitchenAid Professional 5 Plus Stand Mixers for $250.00 (normally priced at $320.00!) than you can shake a stick at. 

3 thoughts on “Black Friday Shopping Guide Part 3

  1. JC’s not too busy doing his own holiday shopping to answer your prayers?

    Also, I’m pretty sure the drug Jessie was taking was a form of Speed, since that was the “drugs are bad, mmkay” episode

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