In case you have been living under a rock the past few months then you are aware that Virginia’s smoking ban goes into affect tomorrow and us Café Darkness gals could not be more excited! Who doesn’t appreciate government’s intrusiveness on business owner’s rights to do what they want in their own establishment? I mean! Loves! Although I do wonder what people will bitch about now, the ban got me thinking about other things we should ban in restaurants and bars. While we are it why don’t we also make the following illegal:
1-Screaming children and their inattentive parents. I understand that children are our most precious resource which is why it is most troubling when this resource is clearly upset and screeching at the top of its lungs and their parents are unaware of scene unfolding around them. I get that in order to not lose it completely parents must learn to block out a certain amount of the screaming, but here’s a special request from TLW: when you are at a restaurant (other than Chucky Cheese) and your little one is having a complete and utter meltdown because they can’t dip their French fries in chocolate syrup mayonnaise, please calm the little angel down instead of ignoring it and ruining everyone else’s dining experience. Thanks!
2-Time limits in the bathroom. Especially for the ladies. Especially in the Fan. As much as I enjoy waiting in line for twenty minutes to go to the restroom I hereby petition that a five minute rule be imposed on all bathroom visits. Ladies, I understand your need to go in the bathroom with your five closest gal pals and gossip about how hot that guy is at the other end of the bar (he’s really not, that’s the booze talking, but I digress) how about you take that convo outside-with the smokers. Ha! Zingers! Five minutes is enough time to take care of whatever biz you should be doing in a public bathroom. End of discussion.
3-Guys in Lobster Pants or Ed Hardy. Different kinds of douche, but douchey nonetheless. It offends my “vintage hobo” fashion sensibilities and hurts my eyes and soul.
4-“Brunch Menus” It makes me sad when I go to brunch and the menu only allows me to order egg’s Benedict crab pizza. That is foul and makes me queasy-especially on a drinking stomach. I want a cheeseburger damn it, not an avocado hollandaise turkey bean sprout wrap. Vom.
5-Loud, annoying drunk girls that aren’t us. Drunk people are annoying but drunk girls really take it to the next level. They kind of resemble unruly children in their loud shrieking and tendency to cause scenes. Unless you’re the CD, please take it elsewhere.