Archive for December, 2009

Happy New Year Y’all

 

Two girls, one blog.  One hell of a memorable year.

We knew heading into 2009 that we were going to have our hands full.  The economy tanked.  We (gulp) faced down the barrel of turning 30 like two surly pirates drunk on stolen rum.  We were furloughed and furloughed some more.  But none of these things defined 2009.  Best practices were established and enforced.  We made new friends (you) and confirmed that our old friends are the best anyone could ever have.  We danced and high-kicked our way through the worst of times, and in the process had ourselves some of the best.  It’s official – we survived 2009.

From the bottom of our twisted hearts, thank you for letting the lights shine on at Cafe Darkness.  Woo woos to all, and to all a good night.

See ya in 2010 – trust.

I hate laundry

El Diablo

I hate doing laundry
 
The rational, grown up side of me realizes this is a chore everyone does on a regular basis. The “why is everything in life so gd hard” side of me dreads this chore more than anything else in my life.  I have never enjoyed doing laundry.  I view it as a tedious task that I will have to repeat sometime in the near future for the rest of my life -pending me marrying an old oil magnate.  (Call me!) I get no sense of accomplishment after folding a big ole pile of t-shirts. Sorry Charles, it sucks.  Here are my top five reasons I hate doing laundry:
 
1. I am washing my underroos in the same washer that some complete stranger washed their underoos just minutes prior.  GROSS!  I’m no Howard Hughes or anything but that is sick. 
 
2.  How often do you have $3.00 in quarters lying around?  Oh right. Never.  Because people DON’T HAVE QUARTERS LYING AROUND.  Well, that’s a shame because that’s how many quarters you need to do a load of laundry.   Now you have to go get quarters.  What a fun errand!  Getting quarters has become a precursor chore to doing the actual laundry which irritates me tenfold.  You can’t just go to the store and ask for quarters. You need to go to the bank and get them.  Going to the bank is like using a fax machine. I can’t believe they both still exist in 2009.  
 
3.  The location of the washer dryer could be further away from my apartment but then I’m not sure how that would be possible and it still be in the City of Richmond.  Because I wait until the last possible pair of gym shorts to wash clothes my laundry bag weighs upwards of 123 lbs.  I must haul the bag, the quarters and the detergent down one flight of stairs, across the parking lot and down yet another flight of stairs. The only silver lining in this is that I do get some fitness out of the whole ordeal as I am carrying a bag that weighs more than me. Wheee!   
 
3.  Finding the perfect time when no one else is doing their laundry.  If you think you are going to get a washer/dryer after work then you’re crazy.  Other hot times are any day that ends in “y” and anytime from 12:00 AM to 12:51 pm, apparently.  I attempted to do laundry at any and all times to avoid having to wait but apparently everyone else has done the same thing! This means you have gone to the trouble of lugging all those clothes down two flights of stairs and across the parking lot only to find one washer available.  This is so annoying it would make Mother Theresa drop an “f” bomb. 
 
4.  That guy. Without a doubt there is *always* some creepy guy just hanging out in that laundry room.  I swear to God I think every child molester in the city of Richmond lives here based solely on the weirdos that just chill out down there.  One time there was a guy eating a pizza. No laundry. Just pizza.  Today there was a strange little man just sitting there waiting for his clothes to dry. I wanted to tell him that I did not think he was in danger of anyone stealing his “I heart fútbol!” t shirt but decided against it.  Every time I go into the laundry room I feel like I’m entering a scene in Saw XX.  Bonus points to when my underwear flings across the room and lands at a strange man’s feet!
 
5.  Unregulated temperatures.  In the summertime the room feels like a Brazilian rain forest.  You will start sweating immediately upon entering and will continue to sweat for twenty minutes upon leaving. In the winter time the opposite occurs. It’s about 40 degrees down there making the entire experience EVEN MORE ENJOYABLE! Who doesn’t like sorting out clothes in the cold? I mean!   
 
 

A Decade of Employment

A decade of fantastic employment is coming to an end.  It got me thinking about all of the glorious places I have worked over the past ten years.  Let’s take a walk down memory lane!

Stuffy’s.  Were you eating subs from 1996-2001?  If so, then more than likely I begrudgingly made you one! The pros (getting stoned in the walk-in refrigerator) far outweighed the cons (dealing with the public), thus explaining why I worked for minimum wage into my early 20’s. Also, that was some good eatin’!

Mr. Chips Convenience Store at JMU. My two hour shifts were a stain on my life but I caught up on my magazine reading during those grueling 120 minute and earned extra scratch for booze!  Bonus was laughing at girl’s freaking out when they bought pregnancy tests.  (Oh, please! Like you wouldn’t enjoy that, too!)

Pool attendant.  Best. Summer Job. Ever.  I was a “pool attendant” at a pool no one ever attended!  I got a sweet tan, read a shit load of books and had people bring me Wendy’s on the daily!  Plus also, I think this little gem paid the big bucks-like $6.50 an hour. Golden. 

Waitress.  Longest two months of my life.  My disposition is not suited for this line of work.  When I spilled food on customer’s clothes they expected me to apologize and then take the food off their bill! What?!  I need the tips, man-now pony up the cash!  

Receptionist.  This is the beginning of the end.  If one could point to a moment in their life where things go downhill this would be it.  I answered phones at a local television station after college.  Again, my personality does not agree with talking to stupid people all day. Have you ever actually called a TV station? You know who does call a TV station?  Freak shows complaining about their “stories” being off the air during 9/11. Yeah, it’s like that. 

Assistant Business Manager.  The job is as exciting as it sounds!  Due to my stellar performance as a receptionist (i.e. I had a college degree) I got a promotion to “Assistant Business Manager” thus summarily squashing my hopes and dreams of ever doing what I wanted to in life and settling for a job to pay the bills. It’s good to learn these lessons early you guys! 

Current position at Steal Your Soul, Inc.  See what I mean by the beginning of the end?  I’ve got nothing.  Yeah, that’s what I thought. 

Here’s to the next decade bringing more exciting adventures!

Ask Cafe Darkness: Holiday Edition

Please recommend a festive cocktail for a ladies-only holiday party.

All of them.  Seriously.  Drink all of the cocktails you can get your paws on.  It will be festive, trust. 

Do I have to do separate gifts for each person or can I just give one family gift to my sister, her husband and their kids?

For starters, I commend you for asking Cafe Darkness this question.  You clearly are looking for someone to tell you not to buy any presents, but to gift your family with your mostly sober presence.  But guess what – we’re not going to tell you that, because we know a thing or two about popularity.  Your dilemma comes down to how strong your desire is to be liked by your family.  If you want to be the coolest aunt (we assume you are a chica) in the world, buy all of your nieces and nephews something their parents absolutely don’t allow them to have, like illegal fireworks.  Stick around all day so that your sister will feel uncomfortable about taking your gift away from the kiddies.  On the other hand, if you want this part of your family to leave you alone, gift the family a joint gift of used Holiday magazines from your dentist’s office. 

How can I be more inclusive to my non-Christian friends without acting like I don’t celebrate Christmas?

We’re confused by this question.  Our non-Christian friends are highly entertained by watching us celebrate Christmas.  They get a real kick out of our boozy binges, greedy grab fests and our fight for seating at midnight mass when we only go to church twice a year.  I say tis the season of giving your Jewish and Muslim friends a laugh.  Mazel tov! 

I’ve been seeing this guy for a few months, but I’m not sure where we stand in the gift giving process.  What should I do?

Well, do you want to get married anytime soon?  If so, buy him a rifle, a box of Cuban cigars, a nice bottle of Scotch and renew his subscription to Playboy.  He’ll cry tears of joy.  Once you have that ring on your finger you can start giving him the shirts you really want him to wear, or a gym membership to remind him he better keep it tight.

Everyone else in Richmond is going to be on vacation next week and I have to work.  WTF?

Our condolences.  Drink heavily all night, every night next week.  You can probably catch a solid 6 hours of shut-eye at work. 

Happy Holidays – xoxo

Cafe Darkness

Drum Roll Please

I am proud to present to you the winner of the Most Awesome Cover Letter of 2009 contest, Mr.  Billy Bobby Ray Bobbins Jr. (not his real name, but close).  

Mr. Bobbins Jr. was contacted about the honor, but refuses to accept his award as he believes that the government will find a way to “tax his ass real good” on the acrylic plaque Cafe Darkness offered him. 

Hello,

I have the skill set and clean record you desire.  I worked as a [totally unrelated, in no way relevant job] and then I took a year off.

Billy Bobby Ray Bobbins Jr.

PS – I expect to be called when someone else did not, or will not make it in. For 1 year, 4 day and 8 hours, I showed up, sober and ready to work. Non-smoker, looking for full-time work.

 

What about “The Others”?

T Saur gets a lot of airtime on the CD and this is a disservice to the countless other annoying people who also work at Steal Your Soul, Inc.  Just because they don’t smell like moss and pennies doesn’t mean they don’t deserve some recognition!   

I Talk About My Kids Because I Have Nothing Else Going On.  This is actually three people, but one in particular sits right across from me so I hear the gory details about little Sally’s colds every day.  (Side note: Sally is sick a lot. I think she should be placed in a bubble until her immune system gets stronger. Just a suggestion!)  Before I quit this place it is my solemn vow to ask these women what they discussed prior to breeding.  Hey, I like kids just as much as the next person (sort of) but why these women think I give a rat’s ass about their children’s Christmas recital is beyond me.

Them: “Oh my Gosh, Timmy was so nervous he screamed and cried all the way there, isn’t that funny?! He did NOT want to be that wise man but I made him!”

Me: “That actually may constitute child abuse, but I’m not sure”. 

Bottom line: unless you’re my friend, I don’t give a shit about your kids.

Personal Phone Call Overload.  Trust me.  I get it.  Getting a divorce is tough. Sure I took zero days off last year when I was getting my crap together and yeah, I never once talked about it at work, but I’ll give you three month pass on the personal phone calls. But listen-it’s been over a year and you’re remarried now.  Man, you don’t skip a beat, do you?  Anywhoos, can we limit the personal phone calls to 3-4 a day? On the one hand I admire your bravado and laissez-faire attitude toward your job but when I have to hear you talk to your “Sweetums” thirteen times a day informing him of your every move when you are not in his presence it gets tiresome. 

Not Joining Mensa Anytime Soon Secretary.  Not everyone is the brightest bulb and that is fine, but you, ma’am, may have suffered a traumatic head injury as a youngster thus impeding your ability to comprehend simple concepts such as:  “Are we out of pens?”, “Is the printer broken?”, and “Don’t stand so close to me”.  Instead of hand delivering everyone’s mail (creepy) why don’t you stick to the tasks everyone actually cares about-like ordering coffee? I have been a receptionist before.  It sucked.  A lot.  But I knew when to place the coffee order and how to order god damn paper towels.  It’s really not that hard.  Trust. 

Happy Holidays, everyone!  It is my last day until ’10.  DON’T GO CHANGIN’ ON ME IN ’10!

A Very Big Week

Screw you

Wow, there is a lot going on in the RVA recently.  Let’s break it down, shall we?

1-Ukropalypse.  Say it isn’t so! Where else will I buy rainbow cookies and white house rolls and make fun of old people?  I’m kidding.  I can make fun of old people anywhere.  But seriously, as a former Courtesy Clerk I hated that place. For a company that puts on the act of being family friendly and God lovin’ they sure didn’t give a shit when a high school student needed to be home before ten on a school night. Just sayin’.  And yes, apparently I can hold a grudge for 15 plus years. Here’s to you, Mr. Ukrop! 

2-Meade Skelton mourns the death of Ukrop’s.  We’ve all heard Meade’s lamentation about Ukrop’s, but in case you have been in a medically induced coma for the past four days, listen to this little gem here.  On Friday afternoon I was shocked and appalled when I heard an all points bulletin issued for Meade to call Y101.  Two hours later he’s singing “How Am I Supposed to Live Without Ukrop’s” live.  I got giddy like a school girl.  Could it be?  Could Meade be about to make it big time?  Only time will tell but keep the hits coming, please! 

3-Snowpocalypse.  In typical me fashion I summarily dismissed the dire weather predictions and chalked up the forecast to yet another hyped up snow storm that would not amount to anything beyond a dusting.  I’m not too proud to admit when I am wrong and….I guess….I was wrong.  Ouch, that hurts.  Regardless I hate it and I want to move to South America immediately. My dogs haven’t pooped in days and I will surely die by ice in the near future if this crap doesn’t melt soon. 

4-Cabin Fever.  It took precisely 22 hours and 15 minutes trapped in my apartment before I thought I could potentially lose my marbles.  The walls were closing in fast and I was antsy like a junky waiting on a fresh batch of methamphetamine!  Thankfully I live within walking distance to several bars and was able to socialize with someone other than my fur-besties on Saturday afternoon.  Love y’all but enough is enough! 

5-First day of winter.  Today marks the first day of winter and that means today is the shortest day of the year which also means that it’s only going to get better from here on out.  Ha, ha!   This is just the beginning of the winter of my discontent.  If you need me, I’ll be down south until March. Later bitches!

Best Week Ever?

And God bless us, everyone! (Even Republicans!)

This week is coming up all aces for TLW.  The Year of Aquarius is going out with a bang and while I’ll be sad to see it go, Jupiter in my house of good fortune is neat-o.  Below are the top five favorite things of this week:

1-T Saur working from home.  Yesterday T Saur’s computer broke beyond repair and this morning puppy dog angels flew down from heaven with gilded wings of gold and blessed with me the news he will be working from home today.  The man, the myth and the legend who refuses to take a day off even when he’s not getting paid for it will not be here today. If there was a hobo next to me right now I would slap him five and buy him a 40. 

2-The Jersey Shore.  On Monday I talked about the spectacle that is The Jersey Shore and it is on tonight, folks! It’s an entire hour of fist pumpin’ awesomeness.  I mean! 

3-Smoking Like a Lady.  Barista and I enjoy smoking like ladies which does not include freezing outside in the dead of winter.  Discovering bars where we can do this has become my new pastime.  Penny Lane and Joe’s Inn are two favorites.  (You’re welcome PL and Joe’s. I take all donations in the form of red wine).  Militant non smokers need not apply. 

4-Peanut Butter Fudge.  To whomever brought in the delectable tray of peanut butter fudge and then placed it where no one but me could find it, thank you. Why did you hide that deliciousness by a printer no one uses?  Did you know I was hunting for free sweet treats yesterday? Did you know I love you?  Whoever you are, thank you from the bottom of my dia-bee-tus ridden heart.

5-Skipping Company Christmas Parties.  Yesterday I broke bad all over this mothafucka and skipped out on my department Christmas Potluck.  Instead of talking to people I don’t like I went to the gym and had a fantastic fitness session. When my manager asked me why I didn’t attend I gave her puppy dog eyes and said I couldn’t afford to contribute a dish. I’m Tiny Tim up in this piece!

Christmas Wednesday Randoms!

T saur is wearing a particularly striking outfit today.  The shirt says, “Danny Tanner from Full House” :

but the vest says, “David Alan Grier from In Living Color”:

Apologies to anyone under the age of 25 who has to Google those references.

Clearly, it’s a winning look.  The red cotton shirt paired with the tan sateen vest screams, “Christmas Cheer”!  And why shouldn’t it? Today is our department’s Christmas Potluck Luncheon and T made stuffing in his Crockpot.  Yes, you read that correctly. Stuffing. In a Crockpot.  Unfortunately I won’t be able to attend the luncheon because I have other things to do like anything but going to that luncheon.  I hope everyone gets food poisoning. JK. Not everyone

My employee review went exactly as planned with no raise for 2010.  Whoot!  “You’re a four-star employee! You’re great! You’re a hard worker and I wish I could compensate you for that!”  I sat there with apathetic dead eyes.  Making the same salary since 2008 is neat and all but it’s time for TLW to move on.  The job hunt is on in full effect.  I think I am more excited to quit this place than start a new job that I will surely hate within months but the anticipation of telling Steal Your Soul, Inc. to suck a fat one is enough to make me want to do a little jig right at my desk!   

Christmas is next Friday and I have yet to purchase one gift for anyone on my list.  I also have yet to send out Christmas cards or decorate. I’m thinking the last two are not going to happen, but I really should start thinking about shopping.  Good thing 7-11 is open 24 hours a day and on Christmas. Taquitos, Sparks and condoms for everybody!

Employee Evaluation time!

You will never get this hour of your life back

If you are unlucky enough to have landed yourself a job in Corporate America then you are subject to the most obnoxious waste of time any employee must endure-the yearly employee review.  Back when I  did not hate my job and did not have to struggle to purchase even the most basic necessities in life, I actually looked forward to this time where I could show my manager all of the hard work I had done that year and why I deserved my shitastic 3% “raise”.  Pro tip: This is not a raise at all, but a standard of living increase that puts no more money in your pocket at the end of the day.  Just sayin’. Moving on. 

As the years progressed so has my extreme dislike toward corporate culture and the realization that the employee review has absolutely nothing to do with any sort of compensation for job performance. At all. As a matter of fact your “raise” (or in my case, no raise at all) has been determined months prior when management works on budgets, further proving my point that this is the most wasted hour of your life that you will never get back. Yet you are forced to sit there and beg for the “raise” that you may or may not actually receive that you may or may not deserve but at the end of the day is irrelevant because the amount has been predetermined back in August. 

2009 has single handedly been the worst year of my entire life financially and I would like to let management know that while I enjoy having to decide whether to buy either coffee or milk at the grocery store because I only have $4.00, I don’t think they quite “get it”.  In light of this, I have decided to turn my 2009 employee review as a time to let them know what I think of they should sacrifice in 2010!  You know, even the playing field a little bit.  Instead of three rounds of golf this weekend, play only one. Go to The Homestead for a week and a half, as opposed to two.  Cut back from weekly massages to one a month.  I think if we all pitch in then we can really help turn this company around!  Now excuse me-I need to decide whether I should pay my electric bill or car insurance.  Cheers!

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