Will you accept treatment today?

In light of recent events it’s become clear that my semi-feral cats are an “issue”. Allegedly.  I blame my emotionally distant father who never told me he loved me and forced me into competitive tumbling at a young age.  The only time he would pay me any attention was during my tumbling tournaments. I get the love I never received from my father from my cats.  Also, I was kind of fat.  JK, I was never fat. 

I would like to take a moment to address the people involved with my intervention:

To Barista: Thank you for your concern about my semi-feral cat collection.  I think we can both agree 2009 has been a trying year.  I suppose I can concede that I was using my cats in order to not face the reality of being so incredibly good looking and intelligent. It is hard being me.  Plus also, the semi-ferals are great company during all of the furlough days we had this year. 

To my dear friend Jocelyn Testes-Harder: Thank you for refusing to be swayed by others.  Although the only addiction I have to “hillbilly heroin” is watching documentaries about it on TV, I appreciate your concern. Also, I have a bunch of expired Women’s Everyday Sponges I bought from Big Lots last week. I tried one but it gave me a rash real bad.  Do you want them? Just let me know and I’ll drop them off this weekend. 

To my mother: I appreciate your support during this difficult time.  You are right about my clowder attracting alcoholic comb hoarders.  I do not want end up divorced a second time and the only thing I can lay claim to is a bunch of those little black combs.  It may be time I got rid of a few cats so I can meet a decent guy to marry me and knock me up proper like.  I need a few good casserole recipes, by the way.

To Matt: To start, let’s go with “looks young for her age and is really, really good looking” as opposed to “seasoned”.  Granted, I may or may not make biscuits inappropriately on people’s bellies as of late, but I do not think that in and of itself makes me “crazy”.  Yes, on Saturday nights we all get together and have dance parties. “My Prince Will Come” is just one of the songs we sing including, “Over the Rainbow”, The Brady Bunch theme song and “All I want for Christmas is You” (now that the holidays are here) but that is before I head out to my S&M parties.  The dominatrix outfit goes on easier after I’ve sweated a bit dancing. 

PS-I have a confession to make-I think hipsters are cute. BUT THAT DOES NOT MAKE ME ONE OF THEM!

I will help kick this semi-feral cat addiction and accept treatment today. Honestly I am more excited about a month at Promises in Malibu than anything. I could really use a vacation and have always wanted to meet Lindsay Lohan.  Maybe I can be her next girlfriend?  She’s cute for a ginger.  I’m dropping everyone off behind WRLH Fox 5 later today on my way to the airport except for Mr. Paws, Coco Chanel and Lil Johnny Dep.  I hope Fox 5 finds them good homes to loving families. I hear Michael Vick is trying to start up a cat-fighting ring!


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