Getting Ready for the Holidays with Café Darkness

Don't let this happen to you

The holidays are a magical.  However, frenzied shopping, gluttony and heightened expectations can lead to stress and disappointment. We here at Café Darkness understand this and want to help make your holiday season the best it can be!  Below you will find our top five tips to beating the stress and enjoying the most wonderful time of the year. Besides summer. And the spring. Late fall, too.  The Holidays are definitely better than January and February though for sure.  Okay, moving on:

1-Be “that guy” at every holiday party. Get as completely hamboned as possible at each and every festivity you attend. You will make a name for yourself around town.  Bring back up booze if it appears that hostess was stupid enough to not stock enough.  Make a game out of it and dispense extra drinks to whom you deem necessary. Pro Tip: avoid giving away booze to designated drives and pregnant people. It will go to waste. Sad.

2-Do all of your shopping at Willow Lawn. Unless you’re asking for a death wish I highly advise avoiding Down Town Short Pump at all costs. It’s a cesspool.  Plus also, LOTS of white people.  Instead, keep it real and head on over to Willow Lawn. Sure there aren’t as many options to choose from there but who needs options when you have Ross Dress for Less, Dress Barn, K & G Fashion and the Dollar Store?  Afterwards treat yourself to a taco at either Qdoba or Chipotle. You’ve earned it!

3-Limit “family time”.  One of the stainiest parts of the Holidays is obligatory “family time”. Take a stand this year. Refuse to go to Uncle Billy’s Dirty Santa Gift Exchange. Tell the rest of the family you think he gets a bit handsy after too many eggnogs.  Brunch with Santa and all of the kids? Hayell to the no! Sleep in instead.  Inform your family that sleep is key to maintaining a fresh and youthful appearance and your New Year’s Resolution was to look your best at all times. 


4-Avoid all Christmas movies, specials and music.  Seriously, guys. They’re stupid-unless it’s Meade Skelton’s Christmas Special on December 20th 2009 at the Tabernacle Baptist Church in which case it’s out of this world amazing. 


5-Live like a college kid.  Take off as much time as possible during the holidays and pretend you’re 21 again!  This means you will need to drink every single night and indulge in delicious, delicious pizza as much as possible. Also key: drugs.


4 thoughts on “Getting Ready for the Holidays with Café Darkness

  1. I, Barista, do solemnly swear to uphold the advice in the post with one exception: family time. I have a brand-new sister in law who likes to tell the in-laws which of her basketball friends is back “on-dick” at family dinners. Even better? The in-laws are ready to discuss.

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