Ask Cafe Darkness: Holiday Edition

Please recommend a festive cocktail for a ladies-only holiday party.

All of them.  Seriously.  Drink all of the cocktails you can get your paws on.  It will be festive, trust. 

Do I have to do separate gifts for each person or can I just give one family gift to my sister, her husband and their kids?

For starters, I commend you for asking Cafe Darkness this question.  You clearly are looking for someone to tell you not to buy any presents, but to gift your family with your mostly sober presence.  But guess what – we’re not going to tell you that, because we know a thing or two about popularity.  Your dilemma comes down to how strong your desire is to be liked by your family.  If you want to be the coolest aunt (we assume you are a chica) in the world, buy all of your nieces and nephews something their parents absolutely don’t allow them to have, like illegal fireworks.  Stick around all day so that your sister will feel uncomfortable about taking your gift away from the kiddies.  On the other hand, if you want this part of your family to leave you alone, gift the family a joint gift of used Holiday magazines from your dentist’s office. 

How can I be more inclusive to my non-Christian friends without acting like I don’t celebrate Christmas?

We’re confused by this question.  Our non-Christian friends are highly entertained by watching us celebrate Christmas.  They get a real kick out of our boozy binges, greedy grab fests and our fight for seating at midnight mass when we only go to church twice a year.  I say tis the season of giving your Jewish and Muslim friends a laugh.  Mazel tov! 

I’ve been seeing this guy for a few months, but I’m not sure where we stand in the gift giving process.  What should I do?

Well, do you want to get married anytime soon?  If so, buy him a rifle, a box of Cuban cigars, a nice bottle of Scotch and renew his subscription to Playboy.  He’ll cry tears of joy.  Once you have that ring on your finger you can start giving him the shirts you really want him to wear, or a gym membership to remind him he better keep it tight.

Everyone else in Richmond is going to be on vacation next week and I have to work.  WTF?

Our condolences.  Drink heavily all night, every night next week.  You can probably catch a solid 6 hours of shut-eye at work. 

Happy Holidays – xoxo

Cafe Darkness


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