Archive for January, 2010

Snow Preparedness Kit

Are you ready for Snowpocalypse 2010?   The RVA is going to get worked over like woah so I hope you’re all ready.  Below is a list of necessary items you’ll need to survive .   Good luck everyone.  Don’t do anyone I wouldn’t do! 

Wine

Smokes

Coffee

Sugar Free Red Bull

The internets

Snow Boots

Pizza

Beer

Good music.  See example below:

Ain’t nuthin’ gonna break my stride!

God, no. Not again.

As another potential snow storm heads our way, I’m reminded again of everything I hate about winter weather.  The last winter storm from this past mid-December stained my life for weeks afterwards.  The remnants of that crap were harder to shake than a bad case of crabs-or so I hear.  Below are the top five things I hate about snow in the RVA.

1-Refusal to remove snow and ice from the any roadways in the City of Richmond.  I’m glad every cul-de-sac in Wyndham was plowed within days of the storm, but after about 10 days of driving on sheets of ice and narrowly avoiding crashing into parked cars here in the City I was ovah it.  Seriously guys, next time can you plow the god damn streets? Or, at the very least, throw some salt down? I know we are just poor City dwellers who don’t contribute as much to the local chain restaurant economy as our county neighbors but for the love of God throw me a bone for Christ Sakes. Also, homeowners: SHOVEL YOUR MOTHER FUCKING SIDEWALK SO I DON’T BREAK MY NECK! THANKS! 

2-Facebook.  I am already dreading logging onto Facebook on Sunday to see pictures of everyone’s kids playing the snow.  The albums will be named the following: Snowstorm 2010! Fun in the Snow!  BLIZZARD OF ’10!.  You catch my drift. Ha! Get it, drift?  Okay, moving on.  You know why I’m dreading the pictures? Because you posted that exact same album of 145 pictures of your child playing in the snow last month. Been there, done that. Thank you and good night. 

3-Dog walking. My guys don’t like making business on the snow and honestly I can’t blame them. They walk around nervously sniffing the ground in hopes of being able to identify grass. Poor guys.  Eventually they just give up and take a disgruntled crap on the front step.  Then we go back inside where the ice on their fur melts all over my clean kitchen floor.  Yeah!

3-Snow bound.  Me no likey being forced to remain in my apartment for days on end.  I like to go and live my life-especially on the weekend. One can only watch Hoarders for so many hours straight before I start to suspect everyone I know-including myself-of being a hoarder.  Pay no mind to the stack of Reader’s Digests I have in the kitchen.  I collect them for resale value! 

4-Incessant chatter before the storm arrives.  Cheese and Rice, people. It’s snow. Nine times out of ten it amounts to nothing.  You know what I want to talk about?  How The Jersey Shore is off the air and how reality television will never be the same again.  I’m not even going to get into mayhem at the grocery store because that will send me over the edge immediately.  Before the last storm I had to go to the grocery to get, you know, normal groceries.  When I walked into Kroger I thought I died and gone to hell for a second. Then I realized that no, I’m still alive, but when I do die and go to hell, this will be what it’s like.  It’s good to plan ahead.

5-Cramping my style.  The last storm hit on a Friday and whadyaknow this one will, too.  Now for all y’all non working folk this may not mean much to you but to those of us that go to our soul sucking jobs Monday through Friday the weekends are the time to blow of some steam.  As such I have decided that Snowpocolypse 2.0 will not affect my weekend plans in any way.  Holler. If you need me, I’ll be making it rain up in da club.

Limited Time Offer

Totally Safe!

Cafe Darkness is pleased to present a very special limited time offer.  We will baby sit your kids for the low low price of $10 per hour!  We promise not to eat your food, erase your DVR or snoop through your night stand drawers!  We are available 7 days a week between 10 am – 2 am.  You must have a Skype account and a web cam in front of your child.  You accept all liability for any damages, as we will never actually step foot in your home.

We have taken the time to write testimonials that we believe are an accurate reflection of what a client would say about our service:

Skype Sitters from Cafe Darkness are a life saver!  I never have to plan or clean  my house when I need a baby sitter again.  I just hit up B or TLW on Twitter, and one of them is guaranteed to be able to go online and watch my child over the internet!  I can pay the gals through PayPal which is so nice!  I never even have to learn their real names - Hypothetical Client Testimonial # 1 

My child is a very active 2-year-old.  I find that Skype Sitters from Cafe Darkness really know how to wear him out!  When I got home the girls emailed me to say that he enjoyed dancing to Lady Gaga and they played hide and seek for at least an hour by opening and closing their laptops.   He started off a bit scared by the floating heads and strange voices, but he got used to it in no time.  Now he points at Mommy’s lap top and says “disco stick”.  Thanks gals - Hypothetical Client Testimonial # 2

I find Cafe Darkness Skype Sitting really handy when I’m on the go.  I used to feel bad about leaving my kids in the car while I bowl, or making them sit in the garage when I entertain gentlemen.  Now two hours of battery life gives me peace of mind – Hypothetical Client Testimonial # 3

Cafe Darkness Skype Sitters are not trained to perform emergency services but do promise to text you right away if we have not seen your children in 15 minutes or more.  We even offer a money back guarantee if we cannot fulfill the entire sitting job.  What are you waiting for?  Start using Skype Sitters today!

Thanks for Calling

A most bizarre exchange….

Caller:  Yes, hello?  Is this Steal Your Soul?

Me:  Yes sir.

Caller:  I need to verify the National Latino Organization.

Me:  Uh?  And how can I help you with that?

Caller:  Yes, are you Steal Your Soul?

Me:  Yes.  What can I do for you sir?

Caller:  I need to verify an application.

Me:  Do you need to verify someone’s employment with us?

Caller:  I need credit. 

Me:  Interesting.

Caller:  Can you verify the Negro Women’s National Council?

Me:  Not without Googling it. 

Caller:  I give you a name.  Naimmeateyelllawayf.

Me:  Can you spell that please?

Caller:  N-A-A-I-A-Leigh spelled like a girl not a boy-Y-A-X-for you want what else-W-O-I-T

Me:  You want me to tell you if this individual did or did not work here?  Can I ask which organization you are representing?

Caller:  National Women Negros.

Me:  (not bothering to check) Yes, I do not have anyone by that name.

Caller:  Are you on my application?

Me:  No.

Caller:  But is says here National Negros or Latino Women have an organization and the phone number is 202-8159-

Me:  I’m pretty sure you have the wrong number.

Caller:  But I don’t want to have a wrong number.  I need credit.

Me:  Sometimes your job is your credit.

Caller:  Yes, yes.  May I speak to the company of your name?

Me:  Okay.  I’ll transfer you to myself.  I’m ready.  You may speak.

Caller:  This is all on the application she sent me with two phone numbers for Women of Nations.

Me:   I must carry on living my life now.  Thanks for calling.

Caller:  Credit.

Local Subway Employee Gets Uppity

What A Tuna Sandwich Should Look Like

Mr. Barista’s latest food obsession is a foot-long tuna sub with black olives, banana peppers and oil and vinegar from any Subway establishment.  How Mr. Barista is able to choke down this concoction without having fire water run out of his ass is a mystery wrapped in a riddle too difficult for this journalist to solve.

During yesterday’s Subway visit Mr. Barista decided to modify his shitastic sandwich (which this journalist will never order for him again!  the shame of it!) by moving to the new flat bread, in a foot-long portion.  Jeff the Subway Sandwich Artist prepared an ewww are you for serious tuna delight for Mr. Barista.  Mr. B noticed that the sandwich appeared to be missing six inches of holy shit that’s gross man tuna.   Jeff calmly explained that Mr. B wanted a flat bread sandwich which only comes in one size like didn’t you see the picture, dude?

Mr. Barista confirmed that he did see the picture, but the corresponding sign says choose your size thereby leading him to believe in the possibility of the foot-long flat bread sandwich.  Mr. Barista asked Jeff to prepare him a second omg I wouldn’t feed that to the neighbor’s dog tuna sandwich.

Jeff complied and crafted another my eyes are stinging flat bread tuna sandwich.  He then asked Mr. Barista if he would enjoy a combo, which commonly consists of a fountain beverage and a choice of side including a healthy side like preserved apples.  Mr. Barista eagerly agreed to the combo to wash down the flavor of the cat litter tuna.

Jeff charged Mr. Barista for two combo meals.  Mr. Barista finally lost his patience and asked Jeff what was wrong with him?  Did he see two people or just one? 

Jeff also lost his patience and then as any good man would, got uppity.  He lectured Mr. Barista for serveral minutes that the word combo is both singular and plural and that he meant it in the plural sense as Mr. Barista ordered two sandwiches because for the love of Pete there is NO such thing as a foot-long flatbread sandwich!  

After a tense moment, Jeff, being a professional sandwich artist, refunded Mr.  Barista for the unnecessary combo meal.

Mr. Barista, sulking, proceeded to glare at a fat kid for staring at his iTouch as he played black jack and ate his putrid lunch.

Recent heavy rain force high water pants back in style. Ill dressed men across the RVA rejoice.

Just Say No

RICHMOND, VA-Recent heavy rains caused the James River to breech its shores today causing flooding in many low lying areas.  An unexpected and disturbing side effect of Mother Nature’s never ending wrath is the validation of an all too common men’s fashion mistake-the high water pant. 

Local blog author TLW and vocal critic of the high water pant released a statement saying that while she understands there may be puddles of water in and around downtown Richmond, pants that hit above the shoe are never the solution.  “Perhaps” she suggested, “just walk around the standing water instead of wearing pants that make my rods and cones burn.”  Conversely, the local chapter of The Pants Too Short Association (PTSA) celebrated the heavy rains.  “At last we finally have a reason for showing our ankles”, they said when reached my telephone earlier today.  “We are rejoiced to allow the lower portion of our leg feel the warmth of sun and a nice breeze while, at the same time, keeping our pants free from errant water droplets.”

Weather forecasts call for more precipitation by the weekend which will surely cause flooding, and hence high water pants to be donned once more.  “Fucking, fantastic”, said TLW. “Not only will this ruin my weekend plans but now I’ll have to see even more god damn douche bag’s gross socks.  Wake me up when it’s Spring”.

Ask Cafe Darkness!

We have been most delinquent in answering the questions of our readers.  Please accept our deepest apologies as it the time of the month to reach into our second hand mailbag and drop truth bombs. 

Dear Café Darkness,

Recently I got kicked out of a strip club for being too disorderly. What could I have done differently?

 Sincerely,

 

Missing the Pop n Lock in Southside

Dear Pop n Lock,

We understand that sometimes seeing boobies in person gets the fellas so excited they just can’t contain themselves.  If you ever find yourself getting too out of control by all of the boobs and daddy issues and simulated sex acts simply make it rain.  Loudly.  You can pretty much do whatever you what-including spitting your drink all over the stripper’s face-as long as you compensate her for the cost of dry cleaning.

 Sincerely yours,

 

The CD

 

 

 

Dear Café Darkness,

What makes you guys experts on anything?  I think you’re full of it. 

 Angrily,

 

You’re Not Funny at all in the Fan

 

Dear Sometimes I feel Funny “down there” when I watch American Idol,

We don’t claim to be experts on anything except which bar has the best woo-woos and where we can smoke like ladies in the RVA.  We’re currently getting certified in How to Dress Like Hobos, but we won’t have that completed until the Spring.  Please direct any medical questions to your primary care physician.  We can not diagnose STDs over the internets. 

With love always,

 

The CD

 

Do you have a question you would like to us to answer?  Hit us up at cafedarkness@gmail.com!

2010 Professional Goals!

Pretending to care is hard work!

Even more pointless than the year end employee review where you are told how great of an employee you are and how they sure do wish they could give you a raise but gosh darn it we’re just too busy giving old white guys raises so you are shit out of luck is the meeting in the beginning of the year to discuss your “professional goals” for the year ahead.  Now if I weren’t paid less than the secretary (truth) then perhaps this would be a fruitful exercise.  As it stands now, that is not the case so any mention of “projects” or “new responsibilities” makes me giggle like a school girl.  I’m a firm believer in the mantra, “You get what you pay for” so if you want to pay me 20% below the pay grade for my job then you will get 20% less productivity from the year before. So, what are my goals then?  Easy. 

1-Increase my resentment and bitterness toward Steal Your Soul, Inc.  Continue to fantasize about quitting in a blaze of glory. 

2-Look for other places of employment while, at the same time, resisting the urge to accept another equally mind numbing job. 

3-Complacency, complacency, complacency! If ain’t broke certainly don’t expend any additional energy trying to fix it. 

4-Push the limits of “business casual” attire.  It’s all about comfort, y’all and wearing fancy work clothes is just too much effort. 

5-See how often I can bring up my salary to middle and upper management at any opportunity.  Make others uncomfortable due to discrepancy in pay.  For example:

Manager: Have you tried that new place that opened up last week around the corner?

Me: No. I only have $12.52 to last me until we get paid again in 11 days.

Manager: ……..

Me: Right. 

I’m excited about 2010’s professional goals. I only hope I can live up to my own high standards. I’ve always been my hardest critic!

The More You Know

1)  You have had 4 beers in 90 minutes.  You are inclined to:

a) Slow down!  It’s not your birthday – it’s Tuesday night!

b) Order your 5th beer in 91 minutes.

c) You don’t remember the last time you had 4 beers, or 90 minutes of free time.

d) Continue dominating the beer-pong tournament.

2.)  You’re on deck for NY Deli karaoke.  Your song is:

a) Celine Dion – your heart WILL go on.

b) Frank Sinatra – it’s your way all the time.

c) Fastball – wait, why can’t you find a single Fastball song in the big book?

d) The Lonely Island – T-Pain is live on back-up vocals.

3.)  The bouncer is asking you to leave because:

a) You are crying because someone stole your bar stool.

b) You grabbed his ass.  Accidentally, of course.

c)  It’s closing time.

d) You offered to buy the house a round and tried to pay with Ram Bucks.

4.) Your favorite cocktail is:

a) A frozen strawberry anything.

b) Three Wise Men and make it a double.

c) A Cosmopolitan.

d) Free.

5.)  You drink because:

a) It’s romantic to have a glass of wine on your anniversary.

b) It does a body good, just like Taco Bell at 2 a.m.

c) It’s the secret to serenity now.

d) Bears shit in the woods.

Mostly A’s – You never met a brain cell you wanted to waste.  You enjoy Taylor Swift’s entire catalogue and you stay in touch with all of your third cousins.  You are always punctual.  You remember everything others wish to forget.

Mostly B’s – You are a mover and a shaker.  You are eligible for stock options.  You will soon sponsor someone else’s country club membership.  A crazy ex-girlfriend is still perpetuating rumors that you have hair plugs.

Mostly C’s – You have small children.  You speak play group fluently.  Your skin is free from alcohol-induced blotches and you are skinnier than most 25 year olds.  You sneak cigarettes and hide from your kids.  You’ve still got it, but gots no time for it. 

Mostly D’s – You are in college.  Everyone who wakes up to an alarm 5 days a week hates you.  It’s not personal.   Carry on, wayward son.  Carry on. 

My confession is I don’t believe in confession

Wow, it’s your lucky day.  It’s twofer here at cube de TL Dubs.  It’s a rainy Friday which means I’m not working anymore for the Man this week. Respect. Anywhoos, I recently (as in five minutes ago) came to a startling realization: I don’t hate T Saur.  I think I may actually feel sorry for him and maybe-JUST MAYBE-not absolutely detest being in the same building when he is?  What. The. Fuck. 

I mean don’t get crazy up in this piece, he still stinks to high heaven and is not easy on the eyes, but for some reason I haven’t hated talking to him about his lady problems.  In addition, he was nice enough to take me to lunch today for my 2nd annual 29th birthday and I didn’t hate every minute of it.  As a matter of fact we had an almost enjoyable conversation about New Orleans hot sauce. It sounds delish! 

I’m scared. I’m confused.  I don’t like this.  I want to go back to the time when I wanted to claw his eyes out if he cleared his throat one more god damn time and not when I felt bad because his date didn’t show up on Thursday night which is just plain rude, by the way!   

If this shit keeps up I’ll be helping old ladies cross the street and volunteering at the local food bank by the end of the month.  Pay it forward, bitches!

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