Eager Beaver 2002-2009

Eager Beaver, beloved teacher’s pet and die-hard clapper at motivational speeches, died not altogether unexpectedly after a meaningless performance review in which a great number of tasks were assigned, praise was received, no raise was mentioned and the word “developmentally” was deployed 19 times.

The Eager Beaver asked that her ashes be scattered over numerous bars, city parks and car audio centers, anywhere but an office park dear lord, between the hours of 2 pm and 5 pm, which will no longer be spent toiling for the man.

The family asks well wishers to knock off work early every day for a month in lieu of flowers or charitable donations.

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