You know who’s excited to be back at work today? Tsaur. He loves, loves, LOVES his job about as much as the cast of The Jersey Shore loves tanning beds and fist pumps. Tsaur is normally TLW’s cross to bear, but occasionally he likes to get out and about at Steal Your Soul, Inc. and get in touch with the good folks (his words, not mine) like yours truly.
I saw his name on my phone screen about 17 seconds after I got here this morning. Really it was more like an hour after I got here, but I spent those first 60 minutes in a depressive fugue state where I fixated on how much I loathe the smell of industrial carpeting and toner cartridges. Anywho.
I answer the phone, because if I don’t he’ll leave a voicemail. Then he’ll send me an email to remind me that he’s left a voicemail. Of course he will forward this email to his boss, you know, FYI. Next he’ll forward it on to my boss to ask if I am in today and if she knows when I will be available to talk to him. He will be sure to also copy his boss on this correspondence so that she knows he is on the case to speak to me. He will copy me on each of these four emails. This will occur in the span of 6 minutes. I answer the damn phone to avoid further contact with him.
Tsaur wants to know if I had a nice holiday. Yup. He wants to know if I enjoyed New Year’s. Yup. He knows he’s a month late, but wants to congratulate me on my service anniversary last month. Yup, thanks. He wants to know how I feel about achieving such a milestone in my career. He gets no response. I mean, is it common to applaud prisoners for making it through another year? He finally gets to the point. Do I need any brochures to hand out to my employees. Yup, send me some brochures. I’ll make sure to pass them out to the group I “support”. He wants to know if I know what a brochure looks like. Yup. Well, this one is blue and it’s twofold. Yup. Now, I don’t need to pass this brochure out to everyone because it’s important but not important enough to print that many brochures. Yup. I cut him off and tell him to send me a few hundred and I’ll pass them out. He wants to know if he can hold while I go check to see how many I currently have gathering dust. Yup, no thanks. Just send me new ones please. Can’t I please go check? I can’t go check because I don’t care, but I lie and say I have 10 brochures left. They were a hot ticket item this holiday season. I’m so glad I didn’t run out! He wants to send me some brochures. Yup, got it. Send me this many pleaseokbye. Wait! He needs a number. I repeat the number. He cuts me off to tell me again how this brochure is very informative and important but remember I can’t have one for everyone. Silence. Send me this many brochures. I give him a number, again. I want to hang up on him now, but he has more questions. Do I want to be copied on his request for brochures? Nope. Do I want him to bring the brochures to me? No, mail will be fine. Do I want to come pick up the brochures? No fucking no how way. Are we done yet? Do I want to—NO! I don’t want anything from you! Just send me the freaking brochures in the mail or keep them I don’t care at all by the way I think I hate you. I hang up.
I feel so bad for TLW having to deal with Tsaur all the time. I kind of want to give her all the corporate coffee mugs I own to cheer her up, but I think I’ll just send her the brochures instead.