Why We Can’t Be Friends

TLW speaks the truth about our outing this past Saturday; but she left out some of the best parts!  Yes, I was in a bad mood but in no way do I blame being a total asshole on my disposition.  I blame it on thatguy who would not, under any circumstances, go away.

After 15-20 minutes of politely trying to shut the conversation down, TL Dubs and I made  the totally upfront “nice to meet you but we’re going to go over here real far away from you now”  remark before relocating to the other side of the bar.

The gentleman reappeared 3 minutes later.

Him: I don’t mean to interrupt…

Me:  Yes you do.

Him (to TLW):  You have hypnotic eyes.

Me:  And syphilis.

TLW:  Yup. 

Him:  Bartender, give us 3 chilled shots of vodka.

Me:  That is totally unnecessary.  Please don’t.

Him:  Well, can I buy your drinks?

Me:  Nope.  I don’t want to have to pretend to be thankful you are still here.

Him:  So are you from Richmond?

Me:  No.  She’s not either, but the State of Virginia says she has to stay until her probation is finished.

Him (to TLW):  What did you do?

TLW:  I robbed a drunk man who wouldn’t leave me alone at a bar.

Me:  Check for your wallet before you go – she’s good.

Bartender:  Can I get you all anything?

Him:  Get the girls some tequila.

Me:  I’d like a shot-gun please.  No?  How about two straws, a rubber band and a rock?

Bartender:  I’m sorry you two have been hassled so much tonight. 

Him:  By who?  I’ll kick his ass!

Him:  I like skiing.  My buddy is up in West Virginia at our cabin now.

Me:  You should join him immediately.

Him: Where are you going?  Can I come?

Me:  Is it okay if I call you a slow learner?

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One thought on “Why We Can’t Be Friends

  1. You two need a reality show. This stuff is hillarious. But then you’d have “scripts” and re-takes and if watching any episode of The Real World is any indication, cameras attract all kinds of attention-whores and douchebags, and that wouldn’t really be better. But we’d totally talk smack about you on twitter. Because we represent the #rva.

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