A study released by the VCU Office of Research today finds that January holiday parties, corporate holiday outings and holiday happy hours have declined sharply as compared to holiday events scheduled in December 2009. Researchers set out to prove the null hypothesis for the study believing there would not be a statistically significant change in holiday celebrations occurring between December and January.
Lead research analyst Tara Dickerson remarked that as organizations adopt more diverse workplace policies, her team expected to see the number of holiday parties hold steady month to month so that no one feels left out or pressured to have any fun not in accordance with their spiritual beliefs. She concluded that “the 247% decline in January holiday events proves beyond all reasonable doubt that Richmond is an intolerant, insensitive, and sexist kind of city”.
27 year-old Fan resident and customer service representative Jill Harris said that the study results confirmed her suspicions. “I have been so bored for like, three weeks now. No one wants to go to happy hour before hitting up two or three Christmas parties in the neighborhood on Tuesday nights anymore. I haven’t hooked up with one of my friend’s boyfriends because I was too drunk since December 18th at least”. She added, “I guess I am going to have to join my company bowling league if I want to go out between Mondays and Wednesday this winter”.
Local blog author TLW questions the validity of VCU’s holiday event study, as she has been “totally shit-housed just as much in January as in December”. TLW said she has observed a drop-off in the number of gatherings she attends that serve Christmas cookies, baked brie and ham biscuits in January. “I have noticed an increase in portion sizes at restaurants and admit that I have paid my bar tab with more regularity this month”. TLW continued, “But maybe this study explains why Barista has invited me to smash a bottle of wine and play the Wii at her house a couple times these last few weeks”.