Even more pointless than the year end employee review where you are told how great of an employee you are and how they sure do wish they could give you a raise but gosh darn it we’re just too busy giving old white guys raises so you are shit out of luck is the meeting in the beginning of the year to discuss your “professional goals” for the year ahead. Now if I weren’t paid less than the secretary (truth) then perhaps this would be a fruitful exercise. As it stands now, that is not the case so any mention of “projects” or “new responsibilities” makes me giggle like a school girl. I’m a firm believer in the mantra, “You get what you pay for” so if you want to pay me 20% below the pay grade for my job then you will get 20% less productivity from the year before. So, what are my goals then? Easy.
1-Increase my resentment and bitterness toward Steal Your Soul, Inc. Continue to fantasize about quitting in a blaze of glory.
2-Look for other places of employment while, at the same time, resisting the urge to accept another equally mind numbing job.
3-Complacency, complacency, complacency! If ain’t broke certainly don’t expend any additional energy trying to fix it.
4-Push the limits of “business casual” attire. It’s all about comfort, y’all and wearing fancy work clothes is just too much effort.
5-See how often I can bring up my salary to middle and upper management at any opportunity. Make others uncomfortable due to discrepancy in pay. For example:
Manager: Have you tried that new place that opened up last week around the corner?
Me: No. I only have $12.52 to last me until we get paid again in 11 days.
I’m excited about 2010’s professional goals. I only hope I can live up to my own high standards. I’ve always been my hardest critic!