Local Subway Employee Gets Uppity

What A Tuna Sandwich Should Look Like

Mr. Barista’s latest food obsession is a foot-long tuna sub with black olives, banana peppers and oil and vinegar from any Subway establishment.  How Mr. Barista is able to choke down this concoction without having fire water run out of his ass is a mystery wrapped in a riddle too difficult for this journalist to solve.

During yesterday’s Subway visit Mr. Barista decided to modify his shitastic sandwich (which this journalist will never order for him again!  the shame of it!) by moving to the new flat bread, in a foot-long portion.  Jeff the Subway Sandwich Artist prepared an ewww are you for serious tuna delight for Mr. Barista.  Mr. B noticed that the sandwich appeared to be missing six inches of holy shit that’s gross man tuna.   Jeff calmly explained that Mr. B wanted a flat bread sandwich which only comes in one size like didn’t you see the picture, dude?

Mr. Barista confirmed that he did see the picture, but the corresponding sign says choose your size thereby leading him to believe in the possibility of the foot-long flat bread sandwich.  Mr. Barista asked Jeff to prepare him a second omg I wouldn’t feed that to the neighbor’s dog tuna sandwich.

Jeff complied and crafted another my eyes are stinging flat bread tuna sandwich.  He then asked Mr. Barista if he would enjoy a combo, which commonly consists of a fountain beverage and a choice of side including a healthy side like preserved apples.  Mr. Barista eagerly agreed to the combo to wash down the flavor of the cat litter tuna.

Jeff charged Mr. Barista for two combo meals.  Mr. Barista finally lost his patience and asked Jeff what was wrong with him?  Did he see two people or just one? 

Jeff also lost his patience and then as any good man would, got uppity.  He lectured Mr. Barista for serveral minutes that the word combo is both singular and plural and that he meant it in the plural sense as Mr. Barista ordered two sandwiches because for the love of Pete there is NO such thing as a foot-long flatbread sandwich!  

After a tense moment, Jeff, being a professional sandwich artist, refunded Mr.  Barista for the unnecessary combo meal.

Mr. Barista, sulking, proceeded to glare at a fat kid for staring at his iTouch as he played black jack and ate his putrid lunch.


11 thoughts on “Local Subway Employee Gets Uppity

  1. I recommend pepper jack cheese if you are going to try it. And if you work at subway make a sign that says” We don’t fucking serve footlong flat bread.” Uh-oh! Here comes mud butt!

  2. As a former sanwich artist I can sympathize with Jeff. I also sympathyize with Barista for having to endure the second-hand after effects of said sub.

  3. Also a former sandwich artist, I feel Jeff’s pain. Mr. Barista is an unruly customer, and should be treated with extra saliva and perhaps other bodily fluids mixed into the tuna.
    No, but really – I made a mean tuna sub back in the day because I DIDN’T DROWN THE TUNA IN MAYO.
    Subway used to have some kick-ass tuna, too. But now they use that cheap brown tuna that smells like a litter box and tastes like dolphins and sea chum.

  4. What’s up with sandwich artists?

    As one who is not-a-former-sandwich-artist, I would like to voice my displeasure with that ilk. In particular I do not understand their definition of the word “everything,” which does not (in fact) include everything. I think that the entire clan is obviously stupid and caught up in their own little fantasy world of stock room smoke fests, goblins and fairies.

    Once I was berated at a local sub shop for ordering onions, lettuce, tomato, oil, vinegar, salt, pepper, mayo, and mustard. One at a time, because I like to feel the flavor before I commit to the juice…. Imagine my surprise as I was corrected, and asked to next time order “everything with mustard.” Hmmmm. So, if I had said “everything” then I would have in fact gotten less than I wanted…. not to mention all the other ingredients (peppers, sprouts, spinach, etc.) that all look so tasty but would not be included if I said “everything.”

    I’m never eating sandwiches again. Unless someone gives me the god damn rule book that these loonies play by…

    1. It’s clear you need a rule book before you order a sub ever again. Everyone knows that mustard is *not* included with everything. Furthermore, peppers, sprouts and spinach are also *not* everything.

      Everything = lettuce, tomato, onions, mayo, salt, pepper, oregano, oil and vinegar. Obviously.

      1. This weekend I went to a sandwich shop and ordered a hot sandwich with “everything plus mustard.” At which point every single person in the restaurant started laughing at me… So. I politely inquired as to the source of the amusement. Apparently I’m not allowed to say everything with mustard until AFTER the sandwich has been heated. WTF. I’m a customer buying a sandwich, PAYING for a tasty treat… WHY ARE THERE SOOOOO MANY GD RULES? Why can’t I just put in an order and live my life?

        I’m sick of sandwich artists acting like they’re god on a stick.

  5. I switched it up today and went with the subway melt on white. I also ordered the white macadamia cookies instead of the chips. I was told to wait 5 minutes because they just came out of the oven and were to hot for my consumption. So I smashed my sandwich and stared at Jeff until he felt uneasy and handed over my bag of delicious cookies. I think I am going to sue because I burned my mouth.

  6. I recommend visiting Club Subway at 8th and Franklin downtown, where the sandwich artists work on the groove line to deliver your made-to-order whatever-incher. Plus, you can dance off the guilt of ordering the meatball sub while you wait, and never, ever have to order the tuna. I didn’t know people actually did that, you food sadomasochist. I thought the tuna was just allowed to sit there, because there was some tuna lobby that passed an tuna anti-discrimination act, in like,1982.

    1. Funny you should mention Club Subway. I went there for lunch today and realized that I was dancing in my seat to that catchy Tik Tok song whilst eating my nasty ass sub.

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