As another potential snow storm heads our way, I’m reminded again of everything I hate about winter weather. The last winter storm from this past mid-December stained my life for weeks afterwards. The remnants of that crap were harder to shake than a bad case of crabs-or so I hear. Below are the top five things I hate about snow in the RVA.
1-Refusal to remove snow and ice from the any roadways in the City of Richmond. I’m glad every cul-de-sac in Wyndham was plowed within days of the storm, but after about 10 days of driving on sheets of ice and narrowly avoiding crashing into parked cars here in the City I was ovah it. Seriously guys, next time can you plow the god damn streets? Or, at the very least, throw some salt down? I know we are just poor City dwellers who don’t contribute as much to the local chain restaurant economy as our county neighbors but for the love of God throw me a bone for Christ Sakes. Also, homeowners: SHOVEL YOUR MOTHER FUCKING SIDEWALK SO I DON’T BREAK MY NECK! THANKS!
2-Facebook. I am already dreading logging onto Facebook on Sunday to see pictures of everyone’s kids playing the snow. The albums will be named the following: Snowstorm 2010! Fun in the Snow! BLIZZARD OF ’10!. You catch my drift. Ha! Get it, drift? Okay, moving on. You know why I’m dreading the pictures? Because you posted that exact same album of 145 pictures of your child playing in the snow last month. Been there, done that. Thank you and good night.
3-Dog walking. My guys don’t like making business on the snow and honestly I can’t blame them. They walk around nervously sniffing the ground in hopes of being able to identify grass. Poor guys. Eventually they just give up and take a disgruntled crap on the front step. Then we go back inside where the ice on their fur melts all over my clean kitchen floor. Yeah!
3-Snow bound. Me no likey being forced to remain in my apartment for days on end. I like to go and live my life-especially on the weekend. One can only watch Hoarders for so many hours straight before I start to suspect everyone I know-including myself-of being a hoarder. Pay no mind to the stack of Reader’s Digests I have in the kitchen. I collect them for resale value!
4-Incessant chatter before the storm arrives. Cheese and Rice, people. It’s snow. Nine times out of ten it amounts to nothing. You know what I want to talk about? How The Jersey Shore is off the air and how reality television will never be the same again. I’m not even going to get into mayhem at the grocery store because that will send me over the edge immediately. Before the last storm I had to go to the grocery to get, you know, normal groceries. When I walked into Kroger I thought I died and gone to hell for a second. Then I realized that no, I’m still alive, but when I do die and go to hell, this will be what it’s like. It’s good to plan ahead.
5-Cramping my style. The last storm hit on a Friday and whadyaknow this one will, too. Now for all y’all non working folk this may not mean much to you but to those of us that go to our soul sucking jobs Monday through Friday the weekends are the time to blow of some steam. As such I have decided that Snowpocolypse 2.0 will not affect my weekend plans in any way. Holler. If you need me, I’ll be making it rain up in da club.