Archive for February, 2010

Eat Cake, Bitches!

Me, a couple hundred years ago.

 
 
I’m not sure who I screwed over in a past life to continually repay this karmic debt but I think this past week must mean that debt is paid and I’m donezo.  I’ve always had an affinity towards Marie Antoinette so I blame her.  It’s completely ridiculous!  Let’s go over it, shall we?
 
Monday-The Biggest Losers-The CD loses the RVA Internet Awards to, as Barista says, “broken things”.  It’s cool though because my mom told me that she still thinks I’m the big winner in life.  Whoot!
 
Tuesday-He’s just not that into you-The guy I had been seeing drops the classic, it’s not you, it’s me, but really it is you because if you were you but just a little bit better, it would be straight.  (I’m marrying Jesus, btw.)  Silver lining is that when TLW is single I have many more shenanigans  which means for fodder for the blogger!  
 
Friday-Inspection time-Betty, that’s my car for y’all not in the know, was up for her yearly awkward exam.  Side note: mine is next month and I’m stoked!  Anywhoos, her tires were balder than most men in their thirties and I was expecting the worst.  True to form, I was correct.  Two new tires later I was headed up to DC to visit some friends when the worst thing ever happened.
 
Saturday-RIP Billy Mays-The love of my life went missing early Saturday morning in a DC cab.  I was more upset about losing Billy than everything else that sucked balls combined to the tenth power! How can I live without you?!? I can’t, apparently, because I drove straight to AT&T and got New Billy Mays.  He’s just like Old Billy, but newer.  We don’t have any memories yet so it’s hard for me to warm up to him but just give it time.  I’m not sure what it is up with me and cabs but the second I get one it’s like I enter a magical realm where things disappear, I make out with people and get proposed to. I’m going to start walking everywhere from here on out.  It’s getting expensive! 
 
Worst week ever? Perhaps, but I can’t be so bothered since it’s not my problem.  Also, I know I promised you more tips and tricks for getting over a breakup and you’ll get it, so hold your horses. I’ve been busy living my life and having shitty things happen to me. 

Something Significant May or May Not Happen Next Week

 

Flying Monkeys Class of 1990

According to the Richmond Times-Dispatch, Virginians can expect or not expect  a significant snowfall next week.  The report says the storm could be “pretty significant” or it could head out to sea making it “not significant” in Virginia but still pretty significant for Virginians who live on boats out at sea.

A massive, state-wide blackout could be fairly disruptive to a number of Virginians for a few days, but if the black-out does not happen life will be kind of normal for most of the state except for residents who generally do not experience a sense of normalcy.

The city of Richmond may or may not issue you a parking ticket next week, which has the potential to make or prevent you from using foul language in front of small children.   This story might warrant further investigation especially if no parking tickets are issued when you clearly park in a loading zone between 8 am - 1 pm on Wednesday.

Del. Robert G. Marshall is likely to draw offensive conclusions about abortion and claim his idiotic ramblings were taken out of context by a bunch of hipster VCU students again.  However he is considering changing tactics and blaming his bad press on those pesky students at the University of Richmond.   A consultation with Cafe Darkness’s Magic 8 Ball reveals there is “not a chance” Marshall will cease to be a jackass next week, giving Richmonders the comfort of one certainty in this crazy little town.

Other pretty significant events that may or may not happen about town next week include a reception honoring flying monkeys at Three Monkeys, asteroids crashing into Starlight and the ghost of Helen Keller kicking it during happy hour at Helen’s.  Overall there’s a pretty good chance of big fun on Robinson Street in the days ahead.

Café Darkness Top Five Tips to Getting Over Any Breakup in Under Two Days or Your Money Back, Guaranteed!

Don't be a pussy

First of all, none of you bitches pay me for this shit so no money back, but trust, I am a professional breaker upper/breaker uppee.  I’m RVA’s own less attractive and wealthy Jennifer Anniston-unlucky in love like woah and ready to move on to the next emotionally unavailable chap quicker than you can say string beans and collard greens!  As such, I am here to help you put that pint of Ben & Jerry’s down and show you how to go live your life! 

1-Allow yourself to be sad for no more than 1 day. This applies to any relationship regardless of its duration.  Did your real doll get too close to the radiator and catch on fire?  Did your boyfriend tells you it’s not you, it’s him? (Hai!)  Regardless, allow yourself to wallow in self-pity for upwards of 24 hours and then be donezo.  My personal situation went a bit like this:

1:00 AM-SAD!

8:00 AM-STILL SAD!

9:45 AM Over it/pissed

12:00 PM Back in the saddle ready for more dysfunction junction.

2-The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.  Refuse to fall into the routine of going too long without the sexy. It’s bad for your skin and just not natural.  While it’s a good idea to stock up on batteries just in case we get hit with yet another snow storm, don’t rely on Buzz Light Year to get through a dry spell.  If you’re smart you’ve still got some numbers on speed dial you can use to get your party started.   

3-Tell your friends and family immediately, preferably using Social Networking sites. I announced my split from my hubbers via Facespace. It worked out wonderfully. By just putting it out there on the magical Internets you no longer have to have the same conversation about what went wrong, who screwed who, blah, blah, blah a million times. You need to get the word out on the street that you’re single and ready to mingle ASAP, preferably by Friday’s happy hour.

4-Depending on the severity of your split you’ll want to do some sort of body modification. Something that you can say that fill in the blank will never see and get warm fuzzies from that revelation.  Tattoos, piercings and hair cuts are all acceptable.  Try not to do all three though because that’s a bit pathetic. 

5-Get busy!  Not just with the sexy but with your social calendar in general. Sitting at home eating too much cheese and watching American Idol is just sad and loserly.  Book your calendar like Sam Moore’s strippers book their lap dances-frequently.  What, did you think I was going to make some joke about prostitution? Nu huh, way too easy.  I wouldn’t insult your intelligence like that. 

Tomorrow: Top Five Things To Never Do After a Breakup. 

It was an honor just to be nominated!

Better Luck Next Time!

Wow, some of you really like us.  We won second place for best new blog in the RVA Internet Awards! Now, we know what some of you may be thinking, second place is the first place loser and we have to admit, we tend to agree.  But you guys, we’re totally used to failing at life.  Check it:

In the 7th grade Barista lost the race for Class Treasurer. She hasn’t been the same since.

In High School I was the only eligible student to not be inducted into National Honors Society due to my “bad attitude”, which, in my opinion, is an honor in and of itself. That happened in 1997 and I’m still pissed about it.  GOD! 

Barista lost the free ticket she won to the skating rink after it was discovered she won the 8 to 9 year-old speed race when she was, in fact, 10.

I lost my virginity.

Barista lost America’s Next Top Model Season 5 even though she wasn’t technically a contestant.

I have yet to win the lottery.

Barista lost Ukrop’s because she didn’t shop there enough.

I lost all of my savings due to these troubled economic times.

Barista continually loses Sidewalk because she can never remember what street it’s on.

I lost my debit card back in August and had to use cash and checks for like two weeks. I still have nightmares about the scene I caused at the self-checkout lane at Kroger when I had to write a check. The horror! 

Cheers and woo woos to everyone who voted (for us).  Keep up the good work everybody!

Just your typical Saturday night…

The line for the bathroom was MAD long!

A lot of my non-internet friends don’t understand what the hell one does when hanging out with people you met solely through the internets.  They think we sit around and talk about really geeky shit like external hard drives and the importance of “backing up your data”.  Side note: in actuality this is really important.  Seriously you guys, would you want to lose all of that in the blink of an eye?!  In reality, they could not be more wrong.  Take Saturday night for example. Barista and I ventured downtown to meet up with some internet peeps and conversations went as follows:

Words with Friends is the best game ever.  Admittedly, the dork factor of this conversation is a solid 10.  We have the Perfect Storm of Geek: Apple Products, games and Scrabble.  It doesn’t get any better than this, but then again, neither does Words With Friends. I pity the fool that isn’t losing to me on the regs. 

Olympic curling is the best sport ever.  This isn’t dorky at all, but rather, a simple fact.  Double snaps for continually reenacting how to curl so I could show Barista the art of the sport throughout the evening.

Hot Chip’s new CD.  Is it the best ever?  Again, Hot Chip is, like, a negative 10 in dork so that kind of erases the 20 minute passionate Words With Friends conversation. 

A comes before L, but after L sometimes.  This lively debate revolved around how one should never agree to any back door action until after L bombs have been dropped. Barista and I wanted to use this topic to somehow deter our moms from reading our blog but were too scared it would cause them to “open up” to us about things that could permanently emotionally scar us.  Mom, I’ll take spaghetti tonight for dinner, by the way!

And, of course, there is the pièce de résistance of the evening which resulted in one of the funniest conversations I’ve had in a long time.  Matt already did all of the legwork for that one and since I’m lazy I’ll just let you read that little gem right here

Don’t you see?  Dorky people are still people after all.  So the next time you see one don’t stuff him or her in the closest locker!  Ask them their opinion about the sexy, it will be sure to be a lively conversation!

How to Win Friends and Influence and Dominate on Your Terms

Him:  Can my manager find out how much money I make?

Me:  Are you asking me if your manager knows your salary?

Him:  Yes.  Can she see that?

Me:  Yes.  She knows what she is paying you. 

Him:   Does she need permission to see that?

Me:  No.  Why?

Him:  Because I don’t want her to know what I’m making.

Me:   ………

Him:  It’s none of her business.

Me:  ……….

Same guy, later the same day:

Him:  I’m going to be late tomorrow since I have that meeting tonight.

Manager:  What meeting?

Him:  The one that’s about an hour away with so and so.

Manager:  What’s the purpose of the meeting?  Did I ask you to meet with them?

Him:  No.  I set up the meeting about two months ago so that I can tell them about my new job here.

Manager:  What new job?

Him:  I do new stuff here.  I started changing my job about two months ago.

Manager:  I have no idea what you are talking about.  Your job has not changed.

Him:  Yes it did.  I changed it.  I’m really good at what I do now.  And I’m going to need a company car here soon.  I’ll talk to finance and let you know what they say.

Manager:   Oh.

Moral of the story?  This guy has serious CEO potential.

Top 5 Things I Don’t Care About!

 

Booooooooooring!

1-The Olympics.  I’m a bad American.  I don’t care about the Olympics. My rods and cones were inadvertently burned on Friday night when I happened to see a few moments of the Opening Ceremonies. The image of a man skating across computer enhanced blades of grass will be forever seared in my memory.  Or at least I think that’s what that was-I was pretty drunk at the time but I do remember retching and screaming, “That’s so gross!” over and over again. Damn those woo woos.  

2-The final season of Lost. I won’t lie, I watched the first few seasons of Lost.  I got into it and I’m not above admitting that. But honestly you guys, you still give a shit about those fuckers on the island? Future, past, dead, not dead. I’m ovah it.  I do have one request though; if they tell us what the hell that polar bear was doing in Season 1 could you let me know?  It’s been bugging me for years. Thanks! 

3-Rest Stops.  I’m glad rest stops are more important to Bob McDonnell than children eating breakfast.  It’s all about priorities in this administration and clearly being able to take a leak off 64 is at the top of the list.  Good to know.  

4-Winter.  That’s right. I no longer care about winter. I think that if we all stop talking about it maybe it will go away. We’ve given winter too much attention recently and THAT’S why it won’t leave our lives. You know when you accidentally chat it up with some douche bag at a party and he latches on to you for the rest of the night?  It’s like that.  So, let’s all ignore it much like a Ginger at the end of the bar and hopefully it will get its tab soon and leave.  

5-Car inspections.  My car is due for inspection this month and my tires are balder than a 35-year-old guy’s head. (Oh hai male pattern baldness!).  My car is going to fail like woah and because I work for a company that doesn’t believe in giving people raises ever, I won’t be able to afford to replace them.  Henceforth, I don’t give a rip if it passes or fails. Either way I’m not fixing shit on it so it’s all the same to me.  If anyone has any tips and tricks for learning the GRTC public transit system, hit a sister up!

Guns don’t kill people?

Caution: Really Bad Seafood Ahead!

Well folks, the CD has another nominee for Café Darkness Man of the Year.  If you recall previous nominees include Delegate Harvey B. Morgan, the 79-year-old Republican Delegate from Gloucester County who proposed a measure decriminalizing marijuana when deemed medically effective.  Our second nomination went to the uppity Subway employee who put Mr. B in his place when he coped a ‘tude ordering that nasty tuna sub.  Proper sandwich ordering is art form lost of many.  Ahem.  

Our third and newest nominee for Man of the Year is another legislator.  God I love politicians with their egos and God-complexes and inability to get away with affairs!  Ladies and gentlemen may I present to you Virginia State Senator Emmett Hanger, a Republican from Mount Solon?!?!  Ah, what’s that? Who’s Emmett Hanger? Where’s Mount Solon? Well I don’t know the answer to the second question but to answer to your first this guy right here sponsored the measure allowing guns to be brought into restaurants and bars.  I mean! He doesn’t give a fuck!  The bill passed in both houses and will surely be signed into law by Governor Bill McDonnell. Unless he’s too busy making children cry, but I digress.  Ba-da-bing!  I’ll be here all week! 

Anywhoos, what makes Emmett Hanger up for the running is not solely because he proposed legislation that is clearly the most ridiculous law I can think of, but the brilliant oratory he used to convince fellow legislators to pass the measure.  Apparently Mr. Hanger is concerned for the ladies.  And who isn’t, honestly?  He’s concerned about women who carry guns in their purses to defend themselves when going out to-wait for it-Red Lobster.  Oh. My. God.  You are a motherfucking badass.  I’m not sure what Red Lobster Emmett Hanger’s female constituents are patronizing but I for one could not agree more.  Clearly we need to all pack heat at The Lobster.  It’s brilliant, really.  Now if I ever find myself eating at a Red Lobster I can simply reach into my handbag and blow my god damn brains out. Thanks, Mr. Hanger for making that possible. Cheers and pass those cheddar biscuits!

Satan Demands the Sale of Girl Scout Cookies to Cease, Hopes Happiness Follows Suit.

He Who Is Most Evil Does not like Tag-A-Longs

LAKE OF FIRE, HELL.  Lucifer, dark ruler of the fiery underworld commonly referred to as Hell announced yesterday that he will no longer allow the sale of Girl Scout cookies in front of any New Ukrop’s locations.    

Whilst ensuring the eternal damnation of souls through temptation and vice he released a statement demanding that  the sale of America’s beloved Girl Scout Cookies stop immediately.  “Hark! Listen, loyal subjects to me, Fallen Archangel also known as Satan and most Evil Ruler!  From this point on you must cease selling the delicious Girl Scout Cookies you all enjoy!”  Beelzebub, He Who Is Most Terrible in the Eyes of God, continued, “The time has come to stop enjoying these scrumptious sweet treats that are available for sale just once a year.  I demand you use the energy once dedicated to the sale and proliferation of these mouth-watering pleasures for more evil activities such as raping, pillaging and stealing happiness from Innocents.”  

The Evil Underlord went on to decry that infant’s tears would be bottled and sold in place of the beloved cookies. Furthermore, the space once occupied by jovial children providing joy to others with their confectionary delights would be used to euthanize puppies.

Snookin for Love

From time to time we update you on search engine terms that bring readers to Cafe Darkness.  Valentine’s Day brought out some of the best yet:

  • Cats many of them
  • Unhappily married on Valentine’s Day
  • Laundry + Cafe
  • Beer
  • Divorce
  • How to catch a cougar
  • Push-up bra on cougar
  • Orangey the cat
  • Best high heels
  • F*&! first, eat later?

Editor’s note to whomever actually googled f&*! first, eater later?  I suspect you suffer from bulimia (which legitimizes your question) or you are the real Ed Hardy.  Get professional help either way.

Editor’s note:  Don’t ask me why I didn’t spell out f#&*.  It’s not you, it’s me.

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