To whoever decided to completely throw in the towel and not clear the roads even a little bit in the City of Richmond, we would like to extend a heartfelt apology for whatever we may have done to piss you off so god damn bad. I’m not sure what we, as City of Richmond residents, ever did to you, but it must have been pretty fucking epic. Did we bone your girlfriend one night after too much boozing? Maybe we borrowed your car without your permission and got a big ole DUI? Perhaps we had a bad case of the munchies and ate your leftover pizza when you had been fantasizing about eating that pizza after working a particularly hard day?
Whatever we did, we collectively apologize. We are sorry we bounced a check for our rent last month. Our sincerest condolences that we forgot your birthday (again). We will never do it again! Want to go out one night this week for some woo woos? On us, naturally. We promise to be on time the next time we have plans. You are totally invited the next time we go to the beach, by the way. We got a pretty sweet deal on a house in June. Can you say, “hot tub”?!?! Did we mention we just scored some pretty sweet weed? No? Well we did! Wanna come over? We can get all stoney maroni and eat Cheeze-Its and braid each other’s hair. It will be so much fun, we promise. Just clear the streets first though, okay?