The Office Romance


this is how office romances usually end

In the spirit of something other than snow Valentine’s Day, Cafe Darkness offers practical advice on how to successfully shag a coworker.  Note this advice does not apply to those who work in restaurants as you will all eventually shag every single coworker.  Yes, it’s true.  Even the cook with seven fingers on one hand.

Don’t Date the Boss – We know that it’s tempting to want to date the most powerful business analyst in your company’s IT department, but hold out for something better.  If you are going to risk your professional reputation and possibly your job you might as well date the boss’s boss.  It’s nice to be on top of the top. 

Proceed With Caution –  Sneak a peek at your love interest’s personnel file.  Peruse the ole background investigation at length.  Look at the application to get a sense of how much scratch this person used to make, and assume he or she is now making more.  Once you have committed the contents of the file to memory you can quickly make important decisions like who’s picking up the check or whether or not you’ll need a cab because somebody’s got a breathalyzer ignition lock.  Knowing the back story is also great for starting conversations.  For example, I got fired once for stealing petty cash.  You?

Keep Your Love On The DL – Whoever you do, don’t publicize your seksi on Facebook, Twitter or any other website.  You have no expectation of privacy on the internet.  Use your company email or cell to mext each other naughty bits.  Whatever your employee handbook says about personal use of company property is just blah blah blah.  Ask any Governor who hasn’t gotten caught taking a mistress to Buenos Aires and he’ll tell you to keep it at the office. 

In the event that your office shag turns sour, we offer one last piece of advice:

Keep Your Failed Romances Public – Post break up hate-mail online here, here and here.


5 thoughts on “The Office Romance

  1. This has nothing to do with office romance but I do have a question. Are we the only country that writes songs about other countries tragedies? Do you think Russia or Ireland has written any songs about Haiti yet?

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