Valentine’s Day is right around the corner and Café Darkness understands the Day of Love can be a stressful holiday. Whether you’re single and ready to mingle or a boring and married we have the answers you need to make February 14th go off without a hitch.
You’re a single and dateless for V Day. Worry not lovelorn souls because Valentine’s Day is ripe for the picking when it comes to getting l-a-i-d. The desperation to not be alone is palpable out in the bars and you can pick up a decent lay quicker than you can say, “Why is Heidi Montag getting so much GD Botox? This is ridic!”
You’re dating someone but not on the serious. You’re worried because you don’t know what this holiday actually “means” to your “relationship”. Do you give gifts? Exchange cards? Not mention it at all? Skip the Hallmark bullshit and go straight to the sexy. 100% satisfaction guaranteed-if you’re doing it right.
You’re in L-O-V-E with your with boyfriend/girlfriend/real doll. First of all, you’re making everyone sick with your Facespace updates, so cut it out. You want to shower your sweetie with love all day but don’t know the best way to really show how much you care. The best way to say “I love you” is a little bit of back door action youknowwhati’msayin. Amiright?!
You’re (happily) married. Congratulations, you’re the big winner in life. But you’ve been banging for a while now so perhaps your sexy could use some spicing up. Add some fun into the mix! Gag balls, erotic asphyxiation and anal beads can turn any hum drum sex session into an event you won’t soon forget. Just don’t forget the safe word is banana.
You’re (unhappily) married. Use Valentine’s Day as a very merry passive aggressive way to show how much you deeply resent them for ruining your dreams and ambitions. Mention that you would have made dinner reservations but you figured they would be working late at the office. Be sure to deflect any sexual advances by feigning menstruation (ladies) or impotency (fellas). Don’t shower or appear overly attractive to remind your partner how terrible a spouse you are.
Go forth and prosper dear readers and enjoy the one day of the year that allows you to be insufferably cutesy and annoying and not get punched in the baby maker by yours truly.