Ukrop’s Sold, Panic Ensues


Hiding Is Helpful
Two days ago Ukrop’s completed the sale of 25 grocery stores to a Dutch company who plans to break the grocer’s long-standing tradition of remaining closed on Sundays.     Mother Nature plans to protest the sale by hammering the Mid-Atlantic for all time.

Local artist Meade Skelton has not played a show outside of his apartment in ages, which is somehow related to the sale of Ukrop’s as all terrible things are. 

Interstate 64 opened up a wide sink hole in New Kent County yesterday due to sadness and because it could saying the end of the Ukrop’s era must be marked with something as epic as a giant hole in New Kent. 

Henrico County has apologized for its inability to make timely decisions this morning saying that they were too busy bargaining with God to restore Ukrop’s to their former power and glory to consider the safety of local children.

The Virginia Senate has delayed passing any significant legislation since Monday surely because Ukrop’s is dust in the wind, instead opting to prohibit citizens from stuffing bears that they have killed for being a nuisance.

Of note, you did not buy enough milk or bread from Ukrop’s and now it’s too late and it’s all your fault. 

In related news robots who steal your breath will arrive in Richmond by tonight.


3 thoughts on “Ukrop’s Sold, Panic Ensues

  1. Well I dont know about the Mid-Atlantic people, but Richmond certainly doesn’t deserve all this horrid weather. Hopefully the Lord will direct all future winter storms north of Washington DC where they belong.

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