Yeah, that’s right. It’s English 101 today, y’all. Deal with it. Recently a disturbing trend has developed around my apartment complex. It has nothing to do my neighbor and her affinity for Ben Franklin wreathes and Fox News. Nay, it is much, much worse than that. In the past month I noticed an alarming amount of unscooped dog poop. Now as a dog owner myself I understand that you are not always in the mood to take your Littles for a walk. It’s been a bitch of a winter, I get that. I also can relate to the ice sheet that surrounds the dumpster making throwing away said poo a life risking event. HOWEVER, shitty weather (pun intended by the way) and the risk of breaking one’s back and ending up in traction does NOT MAKE IT OKAY TO LEAVE YOUR DOG’S POO ALL OVER THE GOD DAMN GRASS. Honestly, I think this is the rudest and most inconsiderate thing a person can do only second to driving an SUV. You can’t be so bothered to pick up after your dog so you’ll allow others to just step in it on the regs. You are a terrible person and I bet you don’t recycle either. End of the discussion.
Now I’m no CSI agent, but I have been able to pinpoint several key aspects in determining the dog owner’s identity:
1-Location. The poo in question is clustered within a certain region of my apartment complex leading me to believe the owner is extremely lazy and potentially a fatty.
2-Size-This is one big puppy dog. And that’s all I’m going to say about that.
3-Owner. I’m going out on a limb here and I’m going to say the dog’s owner is a guy. Just trust me on this one.
Now that I know thy enemy I will hunt this person down and publicly shame him. I know what you’re thinking. “How in the world will TLW be able to catch this bastard in the act?” Well, I’ll tell you. I’m going to set up a sting operation in which I will camp out in a tree and wait for this despicable excuse of a human being to walk his dog and let it make its business. I’m tiny enough that I think I can blend in without getting caught. Once this asshole walks away from the poo I will take his picture, jump down from my tree fort and scream, “AH HA! IT’S YOU! YOU ARE THE TERRIBLE MOTHER FUCKER I’VE BEEN SILENTLY CURSING FOR THE PAST MONTH!” Then I’ll post his picture on the CD, twitter and facespace and tell everyone that if they see this bastard out and about in local bars to shun him. I want to get Scarlet Letter up this bitch! I can’t wait. All I have to do is get my camouflage gear back from Barista. She borrowed it to go hunting a while back and she still hasn’t returned it.