LAKE OF FIRE, HELL. Lucifer, dark ruler of the fiery underworld commonly referred to as Hell announced yesterday that he will no longer allow the sale of Girl Scout cookies in front of any New Ukrop’s locations.
Whilst ensuring the eternal damnation of souls through temptation and vice he released a statement demanding that the sale of America’s beloved Girl Scout Cookies stop immediately. “Hark! Listen, loyal subjects to me, Fallen Archangel also known as Satan and most Evil Ruler! From this point on you must cease selling the delicious Girl Scout Cookies you all enjoy!” Beelzebub, He Who Is Most Terrible in the Eyes of God, continued, “The time has come to stop enjoying these scrumptious sweet treats that are available for sale just once a year. I demand you use the energy once dedicated to the sale and proliferation of these mouth-watering pleasures for more evil activities such as raping, pillaging and stealing happiness from Innocents.”
The Evil Underlord went on to decry that infant’s tears would be bottled and sold in place of the beloved cookies. Furthermore, the space once occupied by jovial children providing joy to others with their confectionary delights would be used to euthanize puppies.