Café Darkness Top Five Tips to Getting Over Any Breakup in Under Two Days or Your Money Back, Guaranteed!

Don't be a pussy

First of all, none of you bitches pay me for this shit so no money back, but trust, I am a professional breaker upper/breaker uppee.  I’m RVA’s own less attractive and wealthy Jennifer Anniston-unlucky in love like woah and ready to move on to the next emotionally unavailable chap quicker than you can say string beans and collard greens!  As such, I am here to help you put that pint of Ben & Jerry’s down and show you how to go live your life! 

1-Allow yourself to be sad for no more than 1 day. This applies to any relationship regardless of its duration.  Did your real doll get too close to the radiator and catch on fire?  Did your boyfriend tells you it’s not you, it’s him? (Hai!)  Regardless, allow yourself to wallow in self-pity for upwards of 24 hours and then be donezo.  My personal situation went a bit like this:

1:00 AM-SAD!


9:45 AM Over it/pissed

12:00 PM Back in the saddle ready for more dysfunction junction.

2-The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.  Refuse to fall into the routine of going too long without the sexy. It’s bad for your skin and just not natural.  While it’s a good idea to stock up on batteries just in case we get hit with yet another snow storm, don’t rely on Buzz Light Year to get through a dry spell.  If you’re smart you’ve still got some numbers on speed dial you can use to get your party started.   

3-Tell your friends and family immediately, preferably using Social Networking sites. I announced my split from my hubbers via Facespace. It worked out wonderfully. By just putting it out there on the magical Internets you no longer have to have the same conversation about what went wrong, who screwed who, blah, blah, blah a million times. You need to get the word out on the street that you’re single and ready to mingle ASAP, preferably by Friday’s happy hour.

4-Depending on the severity of your split you’ll want to do some sort of body modification. Something that you can say that fill in the blank will never see and get warm fuzzies from that revelation.  Tattoos, piercings and hair cuts are all acceptable.  Try not to do all three though because that’s a bit pathetic. 

5-Get busy!  Not just with the sexy but with your social calendar in general. Sitting at home eating too much cheese and watching American Idol is just sad and loserly.  Book your calendar like Sam Moore’s strippers book their lap dances-frequently.  What, did you think I was going to make some joke about prostitution? Nu huh, way too easy.  I wouldn’t insult your intelligence like that. 

Tomorrow: Top Five Things To Never Do After a Breakup. 


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