Eat Cake, Bitches!

Me, a couple hundred years ago.
 
 
I’m not sure who I screwed over in a past life to continually repay this karmic debt but I think this past week must mean that debt is paid and I’m donezo.  I’ve always had an affinity towards Marie Antoinette so I blame her.  It’s completely ridiculous!  Let’s go over it, shall we?
 
Monday-The Biggest Losers-The CD loses the RVA Internet Awards to, as Barista says, “broken things”.  It’s cool though because my mom told me that she still thinks I’m the big winner in life.  Whoot!
 
Tuesday-He’s just not that into you-The guy I had been seeing drops the classic, it’s not you, it’s me, but really it is you because if you were you but just a little bit better, it would be straight.  (I’m marrying Jesus, btw.)  Silver lining is that when TLW is single I have many more shenanigans  which means for fodder for the blogger!  
 
Friday-Inspection time-Betty, that’s my car for y’all not in the know, was up for her yearly awkward exam.  Side note: mine is next month and I’m stoked!  Anywhoos, her tires were balder than most men in their thirties and I was expecting the worst.  True to form, I was correct.  Two new tires later I was headed up to DC to visit some friends when the worst thing ever happened.
 
Saturday-RIP Billy Mays-The love of my life went missing early Saturday morning in a DC cab.  I was more upset about losing Billy than everything else that sucked balls combined to the tenth power! How can I live without you?!? I can’t, apparently, because I drove straight to AT&T and got New Billy Mays.  He’s just like Old Billy, but newer.  We don’t have any memories yet so it’s hard for me to warm up to him but just give it time.  I’m not sure what it is up with me and cabs but the second I get one it’s like I enter a magical realm where things disappear, I make out with people and get proposed to. I’m going to start walking everywhere from here on out.  It’s getting expensive! 
 
Worst week ever? Perhaps, but I can’t be so bothered since it’s not my problem.  Also, I know I promised you more tips and tricks for getting over a breakup and you’ll get it, so hold your horses. I’ve been busy living my life and having shitty things happen to me. 
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11 thoughts on “Eat Cake, Bitches!

  1. Try getting t-boned in a bad way on Broad St. on Superbowl Sunday by a moron who doesn’t know what a red light means, thereby totalling your car (which you still owe money on) and then less than a week later fall off a chair and dislocate your shoulder. Then insurance money runs out and you have to rely on friends to drive your ass around Richmond. Not me, but a friend of mine. No, really.

    You’re better off without the a-hole.

  2. Hello………… This message is for the so called “lone wolf”. First, someone has obviously burned you in your life for you to have such a jaded perspective on humanity/life. Second, it appears as if you and your little friend try to come off as the “new genereation” sex in the city type………. News flash baby, your not and you never will be. Finally, If you ever expect to be happy in life again you are going to need to pull your head outa your ass and let the little twenty two year old baby at the bar buy you a drink . Hopefully you wont scare him away and just maybe he will take a liking to you and you very well may get lucky. Having said all that, I and many others am encouraging you to continually produce your cute little BLOG ( that you probably write at work on someone elses dime) as we all need a good laugh. I hope you have taken in all that I have put on the table in your first of many lessons on life. By the way baby my advice is free of charge……….so ur welcome! I hope that this week you begin to change your outlook on things. Until we meet again sweet cheeks. ; )

    Clyde Wheeler

      1. This is very true. Unfortunately, english/gramar was never my strong point. Have you had an oppurtunity to think about what i presented to you?

    1. I’m not sure what you presented to me besides some nonsensical rambling suggesting the next time a 20 year old boy offers to buy me a drink I should take him up on the offer. Done and done. Thanks for the advice and please continue to read our cute little blog! Cheers!

  3. Hey Clyde, your wife was photographed “in flagrante delicto” and featured on the Awkward Family Photos blog.

    (TLW, Barista, this is an indirect reference to two Ray Stevens tunes that feature Clyde. Clyde’s no relation to Joe. Key word: Ahab)

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