Jesus Christ I love it when we receive real, live reader questions. This ditty came via DM from the Twitter and it reads:
Dear Café Darkness,
How does one cope with separation anxiety at the end of Moustache March?
Already Missing my ‘stache South of the River
Dear Missing my ‘stache,
I totally get it. You’ve grown accustomed to that lil’ cookie duster for the past 31 days. What started out as just a pencil thin lady tickler has blossomed into a full on Burt Reynolds badass flavor savor! First of all, you need to realize that all good things come to end. It’s the circle of life, my friend and the sooner you accept the fact that you must part with your moustache, the better. After all, it wouldn’t be the hipstery ironic fun time (!) we all know and love if it were “Moustache 2010”, now would it?
Now go ahead, hop on your fixie and get yourself a razor and a PBR tall boy straight away. After all, Slaughterama is this weekend and you don’t want anyone thinking you’re a loser, now would you?
Ricky Martin, "definitely not gay in the state of Virginia."
Virginia’s Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli filed a lawsuit earlier this morning in the United States District Court in Richmond asserting that Ricky Martin is not gay on the basis that his hit song “She Bangs” clearly states otherwise. He further posited that to state you are gay after swaying your hips suggestively at the MTV Movie awards is unconstitutional. Cuccinelli based most of his lawsuit on the part of the song when Martin sings:
And she bangs, she bangs.
When she moves, she moves
I go crazy.
‘Cause she looks like a flower but she stings
like a bee.
Like every girl in history
She bangs, she bangs.
Earlier this year Virginia’s General Assembly passed a law stating that anyone in the American Top 40 Pop Charts was “not allowed” to be gay and if said singer stated they were, “they would not be recognized as such in the Commonwealth of Virginia”.
Republican Governor Bob McDonnell attempted to quell the controversy several days later by issuing a statement saying if Top 40 Pop stars are gay, he would allow their catchy hits to play on Virginia’s airwaves, but he would “most definitely” change stations if one came on his way to work.
Today I ate the grossest thing I’ve ever eaten in my entire life: Kashi hot breakfast cereal. Have you, or someone you love, been subjected to the gruel-like consistency of this “food” product? I have an entire box to consume so I’ll be talking about this all week. Fair warning.
1-Old Friend! On Friday evening I discovered a magical unicorn: an old friend from High School who is not crazy and-wait for it-single. Holy motherfucking shit I feel like I won the lottery. I immediately informed that she may be my new bestie and then she made the mistake of giving me her phone number! Ha, ha! She has no idea what’s she in for!
2-Monument Ave 10K! Oh no, I didn’t run it. The idea of paying money to run a route I run for free every day with 37,000 other people makes my skin crawl. I’m just glad it’s over and done with so everyone will stop talking about it. It’s 6 miles, you guys. Any able-bodied human being should be able to run/walk six miles with minimal effort. Jesus. Christ. Add 20 miles to that 6 and I’ll slap you five because that’s badass. Trust. I’ve done it thrice. Best cig ever is the one after running a marathon!
3-Brunettes have more fun! I decided to go au natural up in this mother. I refuse to be a slave to society’s version of beauty any longer and shall not pay for highlights ever again! (Maybe). Level of sass increased 110%. Badassery is up 70% and all around I don’t give a fuck is up a record 240%!
4-Yahoo Personals! I love chatting with my ex husband. He was dropping the boys off after their weekend visitation and I was filling him in on the haps in my love life. Yes, it’s weird, I know. Moving on! Anywhoos, he brilliantly suggested I use Yahoo Personals to meet someone. Now I’m not sure, but I’m fairly certain Yahoo Personals is maybe one step above paying for sex off Jeff Davis Highway so I’m not going to take his advice but I will go ahead and just put it out there that if it ever comes to having to meet people off Yahoo Personals I’m going to just go ahead and thrown in the towel on life.
5-Random compliments from strangers! Yesterday I was looking a hot mess whilst walking the boys when a complete and total stranger to whom I have never once even seen or spoken to complimented my new ‘do! He asked me if I was the same person (?) or if I had dyed my hair. Not sure how to reply since I had never laid eyes upon this fellow prior to that conversation, I replied that yes, I am the same person, I guess? He then told me he really liked it and it was a nice change! Squish you random stranger!
Do you want advice from Cafe D and Ms. Testes-Harder? We’re here to dispense our invaluable wisdom on topics such as: what to do when you get yelled at by someone who read about themselves on your blog and is now confronting you on a Friday night when you are M to the C Hammertimed (yes, that just happened) , the best ways to gossip and not get caught (if glove don’t fit, you must acquit) and how to steal free cable (porn included!).
Want advice from the Barista or The Lone Wolf? Email email@example.com and see your answers featured on the site. We promise to respect your privacy, but make no guarantee that you will find our opinions helpful or in compliance with local ordinances.