Last week we went over my tips and tricks to getting over any breakup in less than two days, money back guaranteed. I haven’t heard from anyone asking for their scratch back so I’ll assume everyone tried it and it worked flawlessly. However, I have a feeling that most of y’all are still fairly lovelorn and as such, will need additional encouragement for getting over the ex and under someone else as fast as humanly possible. Behold my top five list of things you should never do after a breakup!
1-Do not drunkenly call, text or Facespace. If you are incapable of controlling yourself delete all contact info and defriend ASAP. Give pertinent contact info to a trusted friend in case pending STD results test posi for the clap.
2-Do not remember the good times. Obviously things weren’t all that great or you would still be together, amiright? Instead, focus on the things they did that drove you crazy like: an inexplicable obsession with Phish, bizarre jealous tendencies, inability to return phone calls or a gag ball fetish.
3-Do not be a fatty. Sometimes eating an entire pizza dunked in a bottle of ranch dressing is appropriate-like after running a marathon or Strawberry Hill. Getting dumped by someone who’s just not that into you is not a valid reason to go get all muffin-topped up in this piece. Go do some fitness. Now!
4-Do not cry at the bar. I’m not too proud to admit that when I split from my ex husband there was a magical realm that occurred somewhere between glass 4 to 4.50 where the water works would start to flow uncontrollably. One word for you-gross. Unfortunately this nasty side effect lasted up to a month afterwards. No one wants to bang The Cryer so pull it together!
5-Don’t even entertain the thought you’ll get back together. Why? Because you won’t.