One of my most favoritist holidays is right around the corner and I couldn’t be more excited to get drunk off whiskey and make some bad decisions. Fair warning: St. Patrick’s Day is like Halloween and New Year’s on crystal meth. Complete and total amateur hour. Henceforth it’s crucial to avoid common pitfalls to ensure your St. Patty’s day is a bang up success! Pun intended!
1-When attending an Irish Festival make sure you’re properly drunk beforehand. Otherwise the obscene amount of white people hanging out during their biannual trip DT will drive you bananas. I like to try to scare them by telling them stories about getting mugged on the way there. It’s grand fun!
2-Avoid any guy who claims to be Irish. The curse of the Irish is a real thing. Trust.
3-Hit up Penny Lane Pub. You know, for the irony. Unless you have a death wish, avoid Sine at all costs. That place sucks ass 364 days a year but it really steps up its “A game” of douche on March 17th. Gross. I’d rather hang out in the Kids Zone at Regency Mall on a Saturday morning after taking shots of Petron the night before.
4-The CD is never one to advocate drinking and driving and we are NEVER guilty of this offense but for serious, don’t do it during one of the biggest drinking days of the year. If you’re stupid enough to drink and drive on St. Patrick’s Day you deserve more than a DUI. Forcing offenders to listen to Nickleback on repeat, sterilization and living in Downtown Short Pump all come to mind as potential punishments.
5-Wear your fineries! St. Patty’s Day is ripe with opportunities for shenanigans and shagging so make sure you look your best! Leave your oversized winter clothes at home. It’s spring time so dress accordingly.