Dear Old Man River in a Black Jetta,
Thank you kindly for driving 12 miles an hour down Monument Avenue this morning. I was wondering if my brakes were in tip-top shape. After our Paso Doble this morning I can assure you, they work.
I quite enjoyed watching the blooms burst into splashes of color before falling to reveal those kelly green leaves unfurled for Spring’s arrival. It’s not often that I have all day to observe nature’s changes.
Your slow-as-molasses driving afforded me the time to relive most of my life. I’ve come to the conclusion it’s worked out for the best so far; if I don’t include 1998 when I wore glitter eyeshadow and butterfly clips in my hair. That was a decision I’ll never be able to justify. Just to be safe I’m skipping past the era I worked at CVS too. Those 6 weeks were mother-effing horrible and lasted just about as long as our drive today.
I resolved to be a better person while creeping down the street behind you. I almost started straight away by parking my SUV and jogging the rest of the way to work, but I didn’t want to startle you as I whipped past your window. No, it would be much better if I use my talents to make the world a better place for tomorrow’s leaders. So you will find me at Sticky Rice for karaoke next Tuesday singing Tom Petty songs all night long. My rendition of “American Girl” might inspire some underage partier to finish his degree and a get job that requires so much brain power that he will never be able to act like an idiot in public on a Tuesday in his thirties. And viola! That young man may just improve Richmond’s public transportation so much so that you, Old Man River in a Black Jetta, can get the hell off the goddamned roads during rush hour.
Jesus and I chatted for a bit this morning while you tried to parallel park. Here’s a tip: it’s called parallel parking because you park parallel to the street. What you were doing could have been called perpendicular parking. I’m pretty sure that’s not legal yet since I just made it up. Anywho, I said what’s up to Jesus and thanked him for all the peeps and Cadbury Eggs I’m going to eat on Sunday and he said he died for my sins so I might want to consider upping the ante on those real soon and I said I’ll work on that Baby Jesus if you could just please move Old Man River in a Black Jetta out of my way before I run him over, don’t make me do it Jesus, I swear I will. Lucky for you the Lord hears my prayers.
Old Man River in a Black Jetta? Let’s never do this again.