Yearly Awkward Exam 2010 (Back to the Future)

Scootch that butt down!


Every year women get the glorious treat of getting their who-has given the once over at the gynie. It’s mad fun and we all count down the days with more anticipation than a teenage girl at a Justin Bieber concert!  My special day finally arrived yesterday and I was stoked to hear my four favorite words, “Scootch your butt down!”  Squee!  With last year’s nightmare visit still fresh in my mind I was armed with an arsenal of lies to tell my doctor. “Yes, I quit smoking”. “Nope, no new sexual partners”. “I”m going to Northern Italy for vacation this year.”  However, upon entering the doctor’s office filled with happy pregnant couples (gross), nervous teenage girls and their angry mothers (rad) and me (badass), all of my lies completely flew out the window. It’s like they have some truth serum up in that bitch. 
My visit went as follows:
Nurse: Do you need to use the restroom?
Me: Yes, please! Nervous bladder!
Nurse: Do I need to test your urine for anything? Pregnancy? Urinary Tract Infections, etc?
Me: Ha! I sure hope not!
Nurse: Is that a yes or a no?
Me: A no.
Nurse: Please turn around and take your shoes off.
Me: Wha? Normally I get dinner first!
Nurse: (Not thinking I’m funny even a little bit) It’s to measure you.
Nurse: You’re 5 foot, two and half inches.
Me: STFU! I’ve grown! I’ve gotten taller!
Nurse: That’s impossible. You’re too old to grow. You’ve been incorrectly measured is all.
Me: ……. (sad face)
Now we get to the good stuff!
Dr: Hi, TLW. So good to see you again!
Me: Whee!
Dr: Any changes in medical history we need to be aware of?
Me: Nope.
Dr: Any abortions? Surgeries?
Me: Ha! No!
Dr: Still smoking?
Me: Yes!
Dr: Do you drink?
Me: Yes. Holler!
Dr: Any new sexual partners?
Me: (I had already planned on taking this actual number, dividing it in half and then saying 1/4 of that.) Yes.
Dr: How nice! How did y’all meet?
Me: (Not believing she actually assumed this was only one person I instantly invent my astronaut boyfriend a la Liz Lemon) know…out?
Dr: How nice! How long have you been together?
Me: Like a year. He’s super great. So, so special.
Dr: Great.  Now scootch your butt down.
Dr: Well, everything looks just great. Great cervix, uterus looks great and your fallopian tubes look top-notch.
Me: Great? 
Dr: Are you using birth control?
Me: No. I mean yes. YES. ALWAYS.
Dr: Condoms?
Me: Yep. Bring ’em on!
Dr: That’s good. You should always use condoms.  Many men are unaware they even have an STD until it’s really bad.
Me: Like really gross?
Dr: Absolutely totally disgusting.  Like “go sit way over there” gross.
Me: Ha! Badass!
There you have it ladies and germs. My shit’s too legit to quit and me and my boyfriend are probably getting engaged soon. So yeah, be jealous of our love. Holler if you see us holding hands and being loserly dorks!

3 thoughts on “Yearly Awkward Exam 2010 (Back to the Future)

  1. oh so very awesome. i love your math formula in terms of figuring sexual partners in a 12 month span of time. we so need to meet for drinks and divorce stories.

  2. Oh, lawd, The Cooch Scooch. I’m always afraid of hearing an echo coming from down there. If I were a gyno, I would totally pull that trick on EVERY SINGLE PATIENT. Especially the whorey ones.

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