RICHMOND, VA. Researchers announced the shocking results from a recent study conclusively showing Governor Bob McDonnell is indisputably Dr. Claw, the antagonist from the popular 1980’s cartoon Inspector Gadget. The study, which commenced in January when the Governor first took office, was concluded late yesterday.
Dr. Green, the head scientist leading the study stated earlier Bob McDonnell is Dr. Claw, “beyond a reasonable doubt.” Dr. Green pointed to the “indisputable” facts such as McDonnell’s refusal to include sexual orientation in the state’s anti-discrimination policy, the resurrection of Confederate History month, and finally the restriction of state funds for abortions to be used only for women who have been victims of rape and incest. “How could a regular man accomplish so much evil in just four months? Clearly, the only way this would be possible is if he were a cartoon character”, Green explained to reporters.
He stated his team first assumed the Virginia Governor was Magneto from X-Men. But Magneto was quickly ruled out, “since he’s Jewish.” Gargamel from The Smurfs was also considered until they, “remembered Gargamel was a wizard” something the conservative Christian Governor would never believe in. “Magic scares them”, he explained. Finally researchers settled between two top candidates: Shredder from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Dr. Claw. After intensively studying both evil antagonists, Shredder was discounted due to his ethnicity. “He’s Asian. And McDonnell would never be Asian.” Added Green, “Even a badass ninja with sweet ass moves.”
At press time Bob McDonnell’s office was busy preparing the counterattack in response to the defeat of his bill that aimed to cut all state funds from public television and radio. Said McDonnell, “I’ll get you next time, Sesame Street and Morning Edition! Next time!”