God, Almighty creator of the universe, worked in mysterious ways through 20 year-old Mass. woman Brittany Cantarella on May 4. Cantarella had planned to yield to all pedestrians as she made her way to an appointment at a tanning salon in preparation for skin cancer. As she approached a clearly marked cross walk she observed a man whom she says “totally had enough time to safely cross the street if he jogged at a good clip.” Instead of slowing her vehicle to allow the man to get to the other side of the road, Cantarella maintained speed. She struck the man with her 1999 Honda Civic, who was later identified as 50 year-old Lord Jesus Christ of Belchertown, MA.
“I guess you could say I did it on purpose. I did not try to avoid hitting Lord Jesus. I felt this amazing presence that urged me to just do it. I knew Mr. Christ would not be seriously injured,” Cantarella told reporters after the accident. “But I bet the son of a bitch never walks into traffic again,” she added.
God, speaking from Heaven today confirmed that he indeed was present in Cantarella’s vehicle and did suggest that she run over Lord Jesus Christ. “Look, I have never struck anyone down in a furious vengeance for taking my name in vain. I’ve pretty much given everyone a pass on that. But to name yourself after my son? That’s too much for me. I mean, all of you know that I picked that name first for my son. I picked it a couple of millenniums ago. I am God, so yes, I do have the exclusive ownership of the name Lord Jesus Christ.”
God added, “And no, Kelly Horne of El Paso, Texas, this is not at all like the time you told Sarah Greene in second grade that you would name a daughter Courtney and now she has a daughter named Courtney. Sarah did not remember that conversation from 1986 or you, until you sent her a Facebook friend request last week.”
God plans to thank Cantarella for knocking some sense into Mr. Christ by downgrading her future skin cancer to a smattering of oddly placed moles.