A Gentlelady’s Guide to Strawberry Hill

You won't actually see any of this

Strawberry Hill is this Saturday and white people from across the region flock to Colonial Downs to binge drink under the guise of a horse race.  It’s really great fun.  You will see all types of white people there from the bluest of the blue blood rich white person to the biggest East End Redneck drinking beer out of a hat with no shirt on white person.  You’ll even spot a fledging hipster or two, there solely for the irony of course.  As such, a gentlelady such as myself must be sufficiently prepared ahead of time to deal with the ridiculousness of this event.  For the fellas, I recommend checking out Jack’s advice here.  For those with a v instead of a p, behold my top five tips to make it through Strawberry Hill in one piece!

1-Dress to Impress!  It’s time to break out your spring fineries.  Don’t dress to the lame ass theme, because that’s retarded. Show off your assets. If you can’t hookup at Strawberry Hill, then you might as well give up on a life. It’s one giant orgy. Also, for the sake of everyone else’s sanity, wear comfortable, yet sassy shoes. Hard to pull off I know, but no one wants to hear you bitch and complain about how much your feet hurt all god damn day.

2-Wear sunscreen! There’s nary a shady area there and you’ll burn to a crisp by one in the afternoon if you don’t have the forethought to lather up properly before leaving your crib.  As sexy as raccoon eyes and skin cancer look on TV, put on some gd sunscreen. You’re white! Hello! 

3-Pace yourself! Unless you want to be carted off by EMTs at noon (seen this) or end up left behind because you wandered away from your group (also seen this) keep your SHOTS, SHOTS, SHOTS, SHOTS, SHOTS to a minimum.  Don’t drink too slowly, however, as you will become sleepy and lame. It’s important to find the right balance between slowing your roll and having another red bull and vodka.

4-Charge your Billy Mays!  Shenanigans and antics will occur as the afternoon progresses. People from your group will roam and wander away and you may find yourself halfway across the track and unable to remember your plot number (been there).  Communication via cell phone or carrier pigeon is a necessity lest you be left in New Kent and forced to catch a ride back to the city with a bunch of randoms in the back of their van (hi, I’m a pro. Of course I’ve seen this).

5-Put your “strolling” cocktails in a container with a lid. Think sippy cups for adults.  Do you want to spill a freshly made Bloody Marry down your sundress before you’ve even made it around the first turn? (again, I’ve been there)  Do you want to trip and fall and have your brewskie go flying all over the back of your bestie’s dress? (of course I’ve done this!) No, you don’t.

Remember you’re going to be hammertimed, so do your best to plan ahead of time to prevent rookie mistakes.  Follow my sage advice and you’ll be making out in front a group of strangers in no time. Money back, guaranteed!


4 thoughts on “A Gentlelady’s Guide to Strawberry Hill

  1. I wish I could go but I cant afford it. 40$ just for a shuttle bus to drop you off in the mud ! Oh, but please dont use the “r” word. No one can use the “n” word, so no one should use the “r” word. Two wrongs dont make a right.

  2. I have never been to a SH when it wasn’t rainy and cold and therefore refuse to go again. The best time I ever had though was like 7 years ago when I went with a bunch of international folks and au pairs and it was fun being a tour guide for American drinking culture of sorts. We had a $10 grill, bad warm beer, german sausage, and it was cold, but it was still a really fun time.

  3. How do you feel about tweed? Alternatively, would a Seersucker be appropriate attire for a gentleman?

    1. Tweed is a more appropriate fabric for the late fall and winter and would look out of place at a spring event. Also, the gentleman may sweat profusely if wearing tweed under the hot sun all day. Seersucker is a good fabric choice, especially if the gentleman dons a well tailored seersucker suit matched with a jaunty bowtie.

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