I’ve Got Opinions, Y’all!

Dear God No
I’ve recently discovered something interesting about myself. Apparently I have opinions on subjects that no one else does.  I’ve also never done things that most people have done (and no, I’m NOT talking about bukkake, you disgusting freak shows) for a good part of their lives. I’m just a mystery, enshrouded in a riddle, covered in an enigma, y’all!
 
1-I have never operated a lawnmower. Ever. I don’t even know how to start one. I would like to keep it this way from now to forever.
 
2-Most people paint their apartment or house when they move in. Not this girl.  I have not once even looked at a paint sample, let alone physically painted a room.  I suppose it’s because I can’t be so bothered and don’t really give a rip what color my walls are.  
 
3-I hate bed and breakfasts. I think they’re creepy and weird. I guess the general consensus is that they’re “charming” and “intimate”. Now, I’ve never actually been to a bed and breakfast but I’m picturing it to be the most awkward experience of my entire life. I imagine having to eat breakfast around a very large circular wooden table in someone’s kitchen, eating their nasty food and having to make chit chat about the weather. Kind of like morning office talk except I’m actually in their home, which is weird. I also imagine it something like the Walton’s (g’night John Boy!) where we all have to go to bed at the same time. Gross. No thank you. I’ll just stay at the airport Holiday Inn, thank you very much.
 
4-Certain words really weird me out. When I hear them I have an instant reaction. A few of these words are: yellow, sprout, pillow, moist and panties. It was hard for me to even type those words. Excuse me while I go get sick all over my freshly cleaned bathroom. Sickos.
 
5-I would rather have my toe nails removed with a rusty pair of pliers than go to a Baby’s R Us (!).  I went to one once to buy a baby shower gift and stood there scared and unable to comprehend what in the hell was happening.  For those of you lucky enough to never have gone to one, let me break it down for you. You go in, print off the registry and select whatever gift that has yet to be purchased. If you’re like me, you’re more than likely doing this the day of the shower, so it’s slim pickins. Side note: how come men never have to attend showers? Jesus Christ, they’re awful.  Anywhoos, so you see your friend registered for a Baby Romper Bumpee Bopper of which you have no clue what the fuck a Baby Romper Bumpee Bopper is so it’s not you can just go to the Baby Romper Bumpee Bopper aisle.  Oh no. Not only do have to know what a Baby Romper Bumpee Bopper is, you have to know for what age it’s appropriate because that’s how they organize their store. Fun! So you start in the infant section and work your way through to the 30 and living in their parent’s basement section just praying you find this god damn item. Now you could ask someone to help you, but these employees do not exist in Baby’s R Us. It’s a free for all and they assume that you have a vagina then you’re motherly instinct will kick in and lead you like a magical unicorn to the Baby Romper Bumpee Bopper.  But, if you’re like me, it won’t and you’ll stand in the middle of the store after wandering around aimlessly for an hour.  Finally you’ll say “fuck this shit” (loudly) and leave. Pro tip: you can buy any baby shower gift at Kroger. All babies are pooping and peeing machines and they sell diapers everywhere.  You’re welcome!
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3 thoughts on “I’ve Got Opinions, Y’all!

  1. And where do you like to shop? Twisted ‘R’ Us. I thought you were going to say, “Tapioca.” I love it. Bukkake? You have a serious sinus problem. Lawnmowers? Two strokes are the greatest. Rich oil to gas ratio. Dreams of redolence from my long-ago grandfather’s barn. Bed and Breakfasts? There is no middle ground. Some are great. Some are the third circle of Dante’s u-no-whatskie. Take a room with bath, second floor front. You and whomever may climb out a window and imbibe on a veranda’s rooftop. Watch a small town go by in a repeated loop. Stars are out and secrets are shared that may make your blog blush. Yellow? Splash some on your wall. Sprout? Great on pumpernickle with sharp cheese and mustard. Pillow? Huggin’ it like my mama. Moist? Steam baths are God worthy. Panties? One leg at a time for you. Boxers one leg at a time for me. Baby’s R Us? You are too smart to descend. What a set-up! Get your spank on.

  2. i’ve gotta say, i had a melt down in a Baby’s ‘R us once. it wasn’t pretty. a friend had registered there for her baby shower and i lasted a whole 2 minutes inside the store. i got lost upon walking in, saw an aisle full of bottles & rubber nips and my brain just went bananapants. i had to leave and decided upon a Target gift card instead. never again will i visit a Baby’s ‘R Us. ((((((shudders))))))

  3. Holy crap! I’m not the only person in the world who has never cut the grass. That is so sweet.

    BTW, baby showers are awful. I can say that and I’ve had two of my own. They are utterly annoying and I try to find every excuse to get out of going to one. Babies R Us is the craziest place known to man. I dragged my husband there when we registered for baby gifts. I was too afraid to go by myself. I’m not sure who wanted to get out of there faster, him or me. We also registered at Target which allowed for a much more interesting gift registry. It was summer so we added in some tiki torches and some Dr. Pepper (before they started selling alcohol). We even got some Dr. Peppers as a gift. Still disappointed that no one bought any tiki torches. Seems like a totally appropriate baby gift to me.

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