Yesterday I came up with what may be my best money-making scheme yet. It involves a twist on the world’s oldest profession but instead of selling my milkshake, I’m selling my company! I call it FRIENDS FOR HIRE and for the low, low cost of $19.99 you get me, TLW, to hang out with you for an entire evening! Drinks on you and no funny business, please-unless you’re cute and I feel like getting handsy after a couple of cocktails.
Now I know what you’re thinking, who in the world would pay for me to hang with them, amright? And to a certain extent, you’re right! Most people would find no need to employ my services as they have plenty of friends/significant others/real dolls to occupy their time. However, there are some people who would be silly to not use FRIENDS FOR HIRE for basement bargain price of $19.99 (plus drinks, no funny business)!
You: New to town and in search of someone with impeccable taste to take you around to RVA’s hottest spots. HIRE ME! As a Richmond native I am more than aware of what bars around town would be to your tastes. Are you into Ed Hardy? Then let’s go to Star-lite, anywhere Downtown or maybe even Bar Louie in DTSP. Are you a lobster-pants wearing preppy asshole? Cool! Let’s hit up City Limit and then anywhere on Robinson! A dirty fucking hipster? No irony, no problem! We’ll go to Ipanema, The Camel and Gallery 5. Trust!
You: A still in the closet gay man attending a family reunion. HIRE ME! I love my gays and would be more than willing to pretend to be your adoring girlfriend to your judgey Southern Baptist family. For an extra $10.00 I’ll even pretend to be a Republican!
You: Recently divorced and realized all of your friends are other married couples who pretty much only couple skate. HIRE ME! As a divorcée, (God, I love that word, it’s so 1980’s Dynasty) myself I also had to mix things up. Not only do I bring experience to the table, but I make a great a fantastic wingman and promise to turn you into a Kissing Bandit within 3 sessions!
You: A socially awkward singleton in need of desperately getting laid. HIRE ME! Did I mention I make an excellent wingman?! I’m capable of talking to pretty much anyone and am great salesman. I will promote your best assets to their fullest extent and I promise you will get the sexy within 5 sessions! (Money back not guaranteed!)
So yeah, FRIENDS FOR HIRE is pretty much the best idea ever. All interested parties should hit me up at firstname.lastname@example.org and we’ll work out the logistics. (Drinks on you, no funny business)!