Ask Cafe Darkness

Can we all go to this bar now, please?

Wow, it’s been a minute since we’ve answered your questions! Sorry, y’all! I’ve been busy drinking wine and taking shots of tequila on a school night. (Blech). Anywhoos, after sifting through none hundreds of your questions, here are the ones I feel require the most attention.  Side note: I’m punchy today because of tequila, so I apologize for my sassitude.

Dear Café Darkness:


Why does TLW only speak in a cockney accent when she’s deep in her cups? It’s annoying and not nearly as funny as she thinks it is. 


Over it in the Southside.

Dear Over it,

First off, you live in Southside, so stfu. Second of all, we couldn’t agree more. It’s irritating and we’re not quite sure what to do about it.  There is currently a small group of people talking about going all Intervention on her ass like they did back in the fall about her semi-ferals. I.e: Your addiction to speaking in cockney has affected me in the following ways: It makes me want to slap the shit out of you, it makes boys look at you funny, etc.  If you want to get up in on it, hit us up at!

Dear Café Darkness,


It’s Memorial Day weekend and I don’t have any plans. What should I do?


Lonely in Lakeside

Dear Lonely,

I don’t understand you people.  How many times do we have to tell what you need to do to make some friends? Jesus. Christ. Turn off your god damn Xbox and get your ass out and about! Shake what your mamma gave you! Buy some people some shots! I’m not answering questions like these anymore because you have the tools (liquid courage) in your tool belt (this blog) to help you.  GO LIVE YOUR LIFE!


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