Archive for June, 2010

Whatchu Mean it’s Wednesday?!

Who's That Girl?!

It’s been a minute since I served up some Wednesday Random Chicken Soup for the Soulless, so why the hell not today? Respect.

Guess who took a day off today?!?! TSaur! WTF, mate?  A fortunate side effect of T dating his new lady (“that chick” he calls her) is that he now takes days off. I don’t know where they’re going because I don’t care. All I care about is not having to smell him or deal with his presence buzzing behind me two trillion times/day!

I got nominated for some more stuff I have no chance of winning!  Whoot!  Go vote for me….or not. It’s totally up to you.  All I know is if Richmond Slumlord Watch beats me again (right?), I’ll throw a clot. 

I’m going through a bit of a dry spell when it comes to less fair sex. It happens from time to time and instead of feeling sorry for myself for the lack of dates/action/sex parties, I like to look on the bright side!  Think of all the great things there are to being single with zero prospects.  There’s no need to shave your legs every day!  You don’t need to worry about your underroos matching, or even being sexy. Comfy underwear, FTW!  Other great things include, but are not limited to: more quality time with your dogs, making awesome playlists that only you will listen to, eating  lots of cheese and getting ready for the next season of Big Brother which you will be able to watch 24/7 because you have nothing else going on. Yeah!

The Fourth of July is this weekend and this girl has herself a four-day weekend. Holler loudly while doing roundhouse kicks of excitement.  While 99% of RVA residents will head to the river/beach/sex pary, I’ll be in town keeping everything on lockdown.  Why? Because I’m not rich enough to be able to go anywhere.  It’s all good though because four-day weekends = four distinct opportunities for shenanigans and adventures.  Maybe I’ll even go Unicorn watching!

Governor Bob McDonnell anounces sweeping changes to Virginia’s weather

A view from the James River at Sunset

RICHMOND, VA.  Governor Bob McDonnell confirmed recent speculations earlier today that he instructed Mother Nature to, “bring her ‘A game’” to the state of Virginia and “really go full throttle with the shitty weather.” 

Meteorologists across the Commonwealth have been assuming something was amiss for months now.  Bob Smith, Chief Meteorologist for the National Weather Service in Wakefield, Virginia, told reporters earlier today that the weather Virginians have suffered from the torrential and daily fall downpours, to the relentless winter snow storms and now to the insufferable 100 degree heat and humidity, “is just not fucking possible without some sort of legislative mandate.”  “C’mon,” he continued, “this is absurd.  It’s only June”, he said in between blotting sweat from his brow. 

When McDonnell was asked the reason for the climatological mandate for year-round intolerable weather, McDonnell responded he was hoping the “gays and blacks would throw in the towel and move.  Liberals, too.  Skedaddle!”  McDonnell further elaborated he would prefer the undesirable residents to go, “someplace more brown and gay, like New York. Or even Chicago. I just want them the hell out of Virginia and if putting the good, Christian conservative residents of our great state through a little hell on earth until they leave, then that’s a risk I’m willing to take.” 

At press time, zero people have decided to leave Virginia based on its terrible weather, but several of McDonnell’s constituents and local trailer park residents were suffering the early signs of heat stroke due to lack of air conditioning in their mobile homes.

MJ Day? No Way, Jose!

Stop stealing my thunder, MJ!

The one year anniversary of the King of Pop’s death is Friday but you know what? I don’t give a shit about that. Besides the fact that he was a freaky weirdo child molester who named his child Blanket (wtf is up with that), June 25th is my Special Divorce Day!  Holler loudly, y’all.  Yep, on Friday it will be one year to the day when I found out I was officially single again. Exciting.  Anniversaries are great opportunities to reflect and see what’s changed in the past 365 days.  Let’s take a looksie, shall we?

 

Career:  Or should I say “career”?  Same shit job with no prospects or plan of action of moving on to something better. There are days when I consider quitting my job, cashing out my 401(k) and moving to Costa Rica. Then I remember that’s crazy and that the BP Oil Spill will kill us all, so I just come in here and fantasize about the day I won’t be here anymore.

Dating: Blech. Zero improvement from this time last year with no one new on the horizon at this time.  I will say this though, I’m a pro at attending various events solo including, but not limited to: weddings, funerals, Holiday gatherings, going away parties, coming home parties, backyard BBQ’s, fancy dinners, baptisms, pumpkin carving get togethers, all couples (but me of course) drunk fests, birthday parties, anniversary parties, engagement parties, etc., etc. ad nauseam into infinity. Yeah!

Friends and Family: Juuuuuuuust fine.  I did manage to have myself removed from my Mormon Aunt’s super conservative forward e-mail list so that’s rad. 

So there you have it! See what a difference a year can make? Like sands through an hourglass, these are the days of our lives.  Now excuse me, I’ve got a vat of wine to drink so I can forget the depressing State of my Union.

NBC12′s Jim Duncan to Take an Extended Leave of Absence

MIDLOTHIAN, VA-NBC12 Chief Meteorologist Jim Duncan announced plans yesterday to take a leave of absence from his position until mid-September.  The long-time veteran meteorologist expressed dismay and sorrow at the lack of, “anything exciting happening weather wise in the next two to three months.”  When pressed by reporters to explain his plan to just “kick back and relax” until early fall, Duncan laughed maniacally and told reporters to, “just step outside for a god damn second. You feel that? It’s fucking hot. And humid. Right. Rinse and repeat for the next three months.”

Some speculate Duncan is coming down from the high the past winter brought, which was filled with numerous snow storms, breaking into regular programming, using his favorite “snow tracker” and most importantly, regularly updating his weather blog with potential future winter weather.  “I was getting so many hits on my blog and comments like woah and now no one even checks it”, he said in between spoonfuls of raw cookie dough. 

Inside sources say that ever since the early summer highs of straight 90’s hit in June, Duncan has become increasingly more depressed and agitated.  When asked by a friend if it was going to rain over the weekend he monotonously replied, “30% chance of late afternoon showers. It’s always a 30% chance of late afternoon showers. Who even cares anymore?”

Those close to the meteorologist cautiously hope for at least a small Tropical depression to hit the Central Virginia region in the near future to get him back in the game, but still remember the deep depression Duncan fell into following the aftermath of 2003’s Hurricane Isabel when he threatened to quit, “this weather game” once and for all.

RVA’s very own Young and the Restless!

Like this, but grosser

It’s time for a TSaur update!  To all the single ladies of River City, I regrettably inform you RVA’s most eligible bachelor is officially off the market. That’s right ladies and germs, T’s taken! Now I know what you’re thinking, how is this possible? Is she Helen Keller, but also without a sense of smell?  To answer your question, I honestly don’t know. I do think she’s going to screw him over in no time, so worry not embittered lonely heart club members. Why do I say that? Well, in their week-long relationship as “officially” bf/gf she’s already cheated on him. Oh, what’s that? How is that even possible, and furthermore how do I know this? T considers me some sort of confidant when it comes to matters of the heart.  It’s a blessing and curse. On the one hand I hate having to talk and smell him, but on the other I then get the details on the haps!

On Thursday he came over to my desk to “get my read” on a situation with his lady love.  Apparently she got him a toothbrush (gross) for her crib and he was over the moon excited about this. She even wrote his initials on it! Isn’t that cute?! Anywhoos, once you’re done puking I’ll finish.  So he goes over to her place and notices that his monogrammed toothbrush is missing. (Oh nos!).  When he inquires to its whereabouts she tells him that she put it in the closet (?) because she was cleaning and didn’t want it to “get in the way”. Makes sense, right? I mean, I know I always put everything in my bathroom in the closet when I’m cleaning.  I told T to stop right there. “You don’t actually believe this do you?” He said no, it sounded a bit fishy. “You do realize the only reason someone would hide a toothbrush is so someone else wouldn’t know you’re dating, right?” He agreed that he kind of thought the same thing and found it odd that a guy had stayed on her coach that night before because he was “too drunk to drive home.” I almost lost it and screamed, “Oh my god your girlfriend of two days has already cheated on you! What are you doing?!” He promised that he would “talk to her about it more” and let me know what happened and I’m sure you can imagine I was waiting with bated breath all weekend!

 Fast forward to this morning.  He lets me know straight away that they talked and, “everything is straight.” I said, “Oh so you dumped her, right?” He said no, but he was babysitting her cats, bunny rabbits and guinea pigs (seriously) for her while he was out of town. I asked him what excuse did she give him that he’s stupid enough to believe?  He said that she told him she was worried her parents would randomly stop by; see said toothbrush and then “get mad at her” for it.  I lol’d hard at that explanation and could barely get out in between spitting coffee all over the place that yeah, that totally makes sense because most 30 year old women 1-have parents that stop by when they’re not home and 2-give a shit if they are aware they’re making sexy out of wedlock. “Good luck with that one, T.” 

I think I crushed his little heart, but no more than what this girl is about to do.  No worries, y’all. It’s Young and Restless up in this b, and I’ll be sure to keep y’all informed when he walks in to her place and she’s banging some rando!

Blame BP

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck

Uh.  FML.  Today’s post was going to be a super awesome. It was going to make you LOL hard when I talked about drinking on a budget.  It would have been full of tips and tricks about boozing on a dime, and maybe I will tomorrow, but today took a turn for the sad and I can’t stop obsessing about the oil spill.

This article made me cry at work and this one makes me want to quit my job, cash out my 401(k) and move to Costa Rica until the end of the world, which is imminent.  (I think the Mayans were onto something, so smoke ‘em if you got ‘em because it doesn’t matter.) 

I would pay a trillion dollars to Eternal Sunshine the following mental images: dolphins frolicking in oil slick waters, dead whales floating in the Gulf, birds retreating into marshland to die and last, but not least, the disintegration of the motherfucking sea floor.  Hai! 

I hate this so bad and there’s nothing I can do about it except ask y’all to join this locally grown Facespace page and attend their fundraiser in July and donate two or three pennies.  Happy reading, bitches. I can’t even muster up a “!” at the end of “bitches”, so you know it’s bad.

Help Me Make it Rain!

Money may not to buy you class, but you know what it can buy you? A whole bunch of badass crap that makes you happier than a pig in shit.  I’m tired of being poor. That’s why I’ve decided I need to think of some more money making schemes ASAP. I have yet to receive one offer for my Friends For Hire business, which I think is bullshit since it’s a brilliant idea, but whatever.  Below are couple of other side businesses I think RVA would benefit from quite nicely:

Essay Writing.  I’m a fairly decent writer and already have a ton of old college and graduate school papers written and ready for your use!  My services were employed several times during my tenure as a college student. (Go Duke Dogs!)  Want me write about symbolism in the Scarlet Letter? Not a problem. Maybe you’re a bit more advanced and need a 30 page paper on magical realism in African literature? Look no further, because I’m your girl. Papers can also be custom written for an additional fee. Grade A! Trust!

No Bieber, No Problem! Are you tired of listening to same terrible top 40 songs and feeling like you have no soul or taste?  I’m not writing music reviews over there at Pitchfork (call me!) or anything, but I fancy myself fairly well versed in non shitty music. We’ll start off easy-like depending on your musical tastes (Modest Mouse, Passion Pit, The Postal Service) and then move on to the good stuff (too many to list) .  No Kings of Leon, though. I hate those guys.  So, so overated. Anywhoos, you’ll be amazed how much happier you are when you’re not listening to bad music all day at work! 

 

Personal assistant. (No funny business!)  I’ll come over for a nominal fee and do all the things you hate to do! If you’re anything like me these tasks include, but are not limited to, walking your dogs, laundry and checking your mail. I’ll also run a various assortment of errands for you but none that involve me leaving the five mile radius of the Fan. Sorry, a girl’s gotta have standards!

Cockney Tutor. (The accent! No funny business!) Want to trick people when you’re out that you work for BP Oil just to see their reaction? Then look no further because my skills will have you convincing people that you’re “awfully sorry about that Gulf!” in three sessions, money back not guaranteed!

If you’re interested in any of the above mentioned services, becoming an investor, my rich boyfriend or just all around super generous person who likes to donate money to the less fortunate, hit me up at cafedarkness@gmail.com!

The Weekend in Review: June 11th-June 13th

Maybe you can be my new boyfriend? Pls?

I had a jolly good time  (most of) the weekend.  Since I’m broke as a joke, (PAY ME, BITCHES!) my plan on Friday afternoon was to simply sit around and breathe air all weekend.  However, the best laid plans often go awry so when Barista invited me over for Sangria and porch drinks on Friday evening, I accepted the invitation straight away.  The first batch of Sangria was yummers, but I asked her to verify the alcohol content as after several glasses, I was sober as a judge. She really stepped it up with the second batch and we decided we should chase our Sangria with chilled shots of Van Gogh-always a good idea, in case you were curious. When I arrived back at the crib, a good old-fashioned dog scuffle was in order at which point I played with the boys for upwards of  thirty minutes and called the kitchen floor my bed for the night.  It’s quite comfy there, actually!

What better way to start your Saturday morning than pregaming a regatta (right?) at 10:30 AM with Cherry Crushes? (Again, yummers).  Fast forward to four o’clock and I’m at the Republic drinking PBR (Why?) and screaming “Fuck BP” every time USA does ANYTHING during the USA/England World Cup Game.  If I had to pick, I would say this was the highlight of my weekend.  I somehow managed to continue this bananas behavior until three in the morning thanks to several hour-long water breaks. 

Needless to say, Sunday was no funday for me. Despite having one of the worst hangovers in recent history, I then had the pleasure of breaking up with my ex boyfriend for the third time. Awesome.  Emotionally exhausting conversations that make me have a sad compel me eat a lot of cheese and watch shitty reality television, so my Sunday night was full of fun!  I need a boyfriend (or a babysitter) ASAP.  These shenanigans can not continue.  All interested canidates may hit me up at cafedarkness@gmail.com.  Peace out, bitches!

Pop Quiz!

Picasso has nothing to do with this post. I'm trying trying to class this blog up a bit.

You guys! This week has been bananas! Gwen Stefani has nothing on my ass, for serious.  Three of the four things happened this week. If you can guess which one didn’t happen, I’ll totally do my Kool-Aid dance for you:

A-Much like a unicorn giving birth to itself, I spotted a hobo wearing a for serious, legit Pig Hat outside of CVS in Carytown.  (Literally a hat with a pig on it.)  He was quite nonchalant about the entire affair, as if to dare you to ask him WTF was up with his hat?  I respected his fashion choice and did not question his Pig Hat. According to Twitter this guy is kind of famous for his Pig Hat, so I feel lucky to have seen him in his natural habitat.

B-I think it’s important for one to set goals for themselves, lest they become complacent with life.  I have two summertime goals.  The first is to ice one bro/week and the other is to make out with two boys/week.  I still have to ice a bro (it’s only Friday morning! C’mon!) but I have met my goal of making out with two guys/week.  One out of two ain’t bad, yo!

C-I went to go see Passion Pit and it was awesomely rad despite the fact I could have birthed half of the people there.  Granted, it would have been an episode of 16 and Pregnant, but still.  I also danced like crazy and took shots of whiskey despite my newly instituted “No Shots, But Shooters Are Still Okay!” policy.  But seriously folks, no shots. I get too drunky and make bad decisions, k?

D-I’ve started working “Summer Hours” at my job, which basically means I’m coming and going whenever I want. Yesterday I sauntered in around 9:30 and left around 4:40 with an hour and a half lunch in between. I figure if they can pay Hulking Secretary who is incapable of ordering god damn coffee creamer $10,000 more a year than me, then I’m just kind of going to do whatever I want  and see what happens.  I seriously can’t believe I’m getting away with this shit, but I think my manager is scared of me. Yeah, Stefon!

E-This is a trick and all of the above happened. I’m a sneaky, b!

F-This is a trick and none of the above happened. No one is this awesome.

What Oil Spill?

Oh nos! What happened to you lil bird?

I have been remiss updating y’all about the comings and goings of TSaur and for that, I apologize. So here’s your T update. You’re welcome. Oh, and gross.

Even though it’s summertime in the city he still smells like mossy pennies dipped in battery acid which debunked my current hypothesis that the Smell of the Union was perchance caused by storing winter clothes near moth balls from the Civil War. Now all I can deduce is that it’s just the natural stench of someone in a constant state of dehydration (he drinks water never) combined with a high fructose corn syrup diet.  

He never ceases to amaze me with his complete ignorance of current events. I’ll give him not knowing about more “worldly” events (but not really because c’mon it’s news) like Helen Thomas not liking Jewish people or the recent violence with Israel and Palestine.  But, in my humble opinion unless you’re in a medically induced coma, you should know what the fuck is going on with the BP oil spill. I mean, hai, it’s a shitstorm. Anywhoos, so I was going off on my daily tangent (I have to allow myself just ten minutes per day to read about it, look at pictures and then freak out, otherwise I’ll throw a clot) when T asks me what company is responsible for the spill?  At which point I said, “Uh….Seriously? BP!” Not dialing up the stupid quite high enough he then inquired if BP was an American company and what we were going to do? It took everything in me to not go completely American Psycho on his ass. I somehow dug deep and managed to squeak out “BRITISH PETROLEUM! AND WE’RE ALL FUUUUCKED” before going back to my desk and looking at pictures of unicorns so as to not completely lose control.

As far as T’s love life, he’s got himself a new gf which pisses me off beyond belief. It’s just not fair that T’s getting the sexy on the regs and I’m not. WTF is wrong with this picture?! It’s just not fair!  I stalked the new gf on facespace (loveeeeee doing that) and she’s not horrendously unattractive as one might assume therefore she must be batshit crazy. End of discussion.

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