Who's That Girl?!
It’s been a minute since I served up some Wednesday Random Chicken Soup for the Soulless, so why the hell not today? Respect.
Guess who took a day off today?!?! TSaur! WTF, mate? A fortunate side effect of T dating his new lady (“that chick” he calls her) is that he now takes days off. I don’t know where they’re going because I don’t care. All I care about is not having to smell him or deal with his presence buzzing behind me two trillion times/day!
I got nominated for some more stuff I have no chance of winning! Whoot! Go vote for me….or not. It’s totally up to you. All I know is if Richmond Slumlord Watch beats me again (right?), I’ll throw a clot.
I’m going through a bit of a dry spell when it comes to less fair sex. It happens from time to time and instead of feeling sorry for myself for the lack of dates/action/sex parties, I like to look on the bright side! Think of all the great things there are to being single with zero prospects. There’s no need to shave your legs every day! You don’t need to worry about your underroos matching, or even being sexy. Comfy underwear, FTW! Other great things include, but are not limited to: more quality time with your dogs, making awesome playlists that only you will listen to, eating lots of cheese and getting ready for the next season of Big Brother which you will be able to watch 24/7 because you have nothing else going on. Yeah!
The Fourth of July is this weekend and this girl has herself a four-day weekend. Holler loudly while doing roundhouse kicks of excitement. While 99% of RVA residents will head to the river/beach/sex pary, I’ll be in town keeping everything on lockdown. Why? Because I’m not rich enough to be able to go anywhere. It’s all good though because four-day weekends = four distinct opportunities for shenanigans and adventures. Maybe I’ll even go Unicorn watching!
A view from the James River at Sunset
RICHMOND, VA. Governor Bob McDonnell confirmed recent speculations earlier today that he instructed Mother Nature to, “bring her ‘A game’” to the state of Virginia and “really go full throttle with the shitty weather.”
Meteorologists across the Commonwealth have been assuming something was amiss for months now. Bob Smith, Chief Meteorologist for the National Weather Service in Wakefield, Virginia, told reporters earlier today that the weather Virginians have suffered from the torrential and daily fall downpours, to the relentless winter snow storms and now to the insufferable 100 degree heat and humidity, “is just not fucking possible without some sort of legislative mandate.” “C’mon,” he continued, “this is absurd. It’s only June”, he said in between blotting sweat from his brow.
When McDonnell was asked the reason for the climatological mandate for year-round intolerable weather, McDonnell responded he was hoping the “gays and blacks would throw in the towel and move. Liberals, too. Skedaddle!” McDonnell further elaborated he would prefer the undesirable residents to go, “someplace more brown and gay, like New York. Or even Chicago. I just want them the hell out of Virginia and if putting the good, Christian conservative residents of our great state through a little hell on earth until they leave, then that’s a risk I’m willing to take.”
At press time, zero people have decided to leave Virginia based on its terrible weather, but several of McDonnell’s constituents and local trailer park residents were suffering the early signs of heat stroke due to lack of air conditioning in their mobile homes.
MIDLOTHIAN, VA-NBC12 Chief Meteorologist Jim Duncan announced plans yesterday to take a leave of absence from his position until mid-September. The long-time veteran meteorologist expressed dismay and sorrow at the lack of, “anything exciting happening weather wise in the next two to three months.” When pressed by reporters to explain his plan to just “kick back and relax” until early fall, Duncan laughed maniacally and told reporters to, “just step outside for a god damn second. You feel that? It’s fucking hot. And humid. Right. Rinse and repeat for the next three months.”
Some speculate Duncan is coming down from the high the past winter brought, which was filled with numerous snow storms, breaking into regular programming, using his favorite “snow tracker” and most importantly, regularly updating his weather blog with potential future winter weather. “I was getting so many hits on my blog and comments like woah and now no one even checks it”, he said in between spoonfuls of raw cookie dough.
Inside sources say that ever since the early summer highs of straight 90’s hit in June, Duncan has become increasingly more depressed and agitated. When asked by a friend if it was going to rain over the weekend he monotonously replied, “30% chance of late afternoon showers. It’s always a 30% chance of late afternoon showers. Who even cares anymore?”
Those close to the meteorologist cautiously hope for at least a small Tropical depression to hit the Central Virginia region in the near future to get him back in the game, but still remember the deep depression Duncan fell into following the aftermath of 2003’s Hurricane Isabel when he threatened to quit, “this weather game” once and for all.
Like this, but grosser
It’s time for a TSaur update! To all the single ladies of River City, I regrettably inform you RVA’s most eligible bachelor is officially off the market. That’s right ladies and germs, T’s taken! Now I know what you’re thinking, how is this possible? Is she Helen Keller, but also without a sense of smell? To answer your question, I honestly don’t know. I do think she’s going to screw him over in no time, so worry not embittered lonely heart club members. Why do I say that? Well, in their week-long relationship as “officially” bf/gf she’s already cheated on him. Oh, what’s that? How is that even possible, and furthermore how do I know this? T considers me some sort of confidant when it comes to matters of the heart. It’s a blessing and curse. On the one hand I hate having to talk and smell him, but on the other I then get the details on the haps!
On Thursday he came over to my desk to “get my read” on a situation with his lady love. Apparently she got him a toothbrush (gross) for her crib and he was over the moon excited about this. She even wrote his initials on it! Isn’t that cute?! Anywhoos, once you’re done puking I’ll finish. So he goes over to her place and notices that his monogrammed toothbrush is missing. (Oh nos!). When he inquires to its whereabouts she tells him that she put it in the closet (?) because she was cleaning and didn’t want it to “get in the way”. Makes sense, right? I mean, I know I always put everything in my bathroom in the closet when I’m cleaning. I told T to stop right there. “You don’t actually believe this do you?” He said no, it sounded a bit fishy. “You do realize the only reason someone would hide a toothbrush is so someone else wouldn’t know you’re dating, right?” He agreed that he kind of thought the same thing and found it odd that a guy had stayed on her coach that night before because he was “too drunk to drive home.” I almost lost it and screamed, “Oh my god your girlfriend of two days has already cheated on you! What are you doing?!” He promised that he would “talk to her about it more” and let me know what happened and I’m sure you can imagine I was waiting with bated breath all weekend!
Fast forward to this morning. He lets me know straight away that they talked and, “everything is straight.” I said, “Oh so you dumped her, right?” He said no, but he was babysitting her cats, bunny rabbits and guinea pigs (seriously) for her while he was out of town. I asked him what excuse did she give him that he’s stupid enough to believe? He said that she told him she was worried her parents would randomly stop by; see said toothbrush and then “get mad at her” for it. I lol’d hard at that explanation and could barely get out in between spitting coffee all over the place that yeah, that totally makes sense because most 30 year old women 1-have parents that stop by when they’re not home and 2-give a shit if they are aware they’re making sexy out of wedlock. “Good luck with that one, T.”
I think I crushed his little heart, but no more than what this girl is about to do. No worries, y’all. It’s Young and Restless up in this b, and I’ll be sure to keep y’all informed when he walks in to her place and she’s banging some rando!
Uh. FML. Today’s post was going to be a super awesome. It was going to make you LOL hard when I talked about drinking on a budget. It would have been full of tips and tricks about boozing on a dime, and maybe I will tomorrow, but today took a turn for the sad and I can’t stop obsessing about the oil spill.
This article made me cry at work and this one makes me want to quit my job, cash out my 401(k) and move to Costa Rica until the end of the world, which is imminent. (I think the Mayans were onto something, so smoke ‘em if you got ‘em because it doesn’t matter.)
I would pay a trillion dollars to Eternal Sunshine the following mental images: dolphins frolicking in oil slick waters, dead whales floating in the Gulf, birds retreating into marshland to die and last, but not least, the disintegration of the motherfucking sea floor. Hai!
I hate this so bad and there’s nothing I can do about it except ask y’all to join this locally grown Facespace page and attend their fundraiser in July and donate two or three pennies. Happy reading, bitches. I can’t even muster up a “!” at the end of “bitches”, so you know it’s bad.
Money may not to buy you class, but you know what it can buy you? A whole bunch of badass crap that makes you happier than a pig in shit. I’m tired of being poor. That’s why I’ve decided I need to think of some more money making schemes ASAP. I have yet to receive one offer for my Friends For Hire business, which I think is bullshit since it’s a brilliant idea, but whatever. Below are couple of other side businesses I think RVA would benefit from quite nicely:
Essay Writing. I’m a fairly decent writer and already have a ton of old college and graduate school papers written and ready for your use! My services were employed several times during my tenure as a college student. (Go Duke Dogs!) Want me write about symbolism in the Scarlet Letter? Not a problem. Maybe you’re a bit more advanced and need a 30 page paper on magical realism in African literature? Look no further, because I’m your girl. Papers can also be custom written for an additional fee. Grade A! Trust!
No Bieber, No Problem! Are you tired of listening to same terrible top 40 songs and feeling like you have no soul or taste? I’m not writing music reviews over there at Pitchfork (call me!) or anything, but I fancy myself fairly well versed in non shitty music. We’ll start off easy-like depending on your musical tastes (Modest Mouse, Passion Pit, The Postal Service) and then move on to the good stuff (too many to list) . No Kings of Leon, though. I hate those guys. So, so overated. Anywhoos, you’ll be amazed how much happier you are when you’re not listening to bad music all day at work!
Personal assistant. (No funny business!) I’ll come over for a nominal fee and do all the things you hate to do! If you’re anything like me these tasks include, but are not limited to, walking your dogs, laundry and checking your mail. I’ll also run a various assortment of errands for you but none that involve me leaving the five mile radius of the Fan. Sorry, a girl’s gotta have standards!
Cockney Tutor. (The accent! No funny business!) Want to trick people when you’re out that you work for BP Oil just to see their reaction? Then look no further because my skills will have you convincing people that you’re “awfully sorry about that Gulf!” in three sessions, money back not guaranteed!
If you’re interested in any of the above mentioned services, becoming an investor, my rich boyfriend or just all around super generous person who likes to donate money to the less fortunate, hit me up at firstname.lastname@example.org!