Help Me Make it Rain!

Money may not to buy you class, but you know what it can buy you? A whole bunch of badass crap that makes you happier than a pig in shit.  I’m tired of being poor. That’s why I’ve decided I need to think of some more money making schemes ASAP. I have yet to receive one offer for my Friends For Hire business, which I think is bullshit since it’s a brilliant idea, but whatever.  Below are couple of other side businesses I think RVA would benefit from quite nicely:

Essay Writing.  I’m a fairly decent writer and already have a ton of old college and graduate school papers written and ready for your use!  My services were employed several times during my tenure as a college student. (Go Duke Dogs!)  Want me write about symbolism in the Scarlet Letter? Not a problem. Maybe you’re a bit more advanced and need a 30 page paper on magical realism in African literature? Look no further, because I’m your girl. Papers can also be custom written for an additional fee. Grade A! Trust!

No Bieber, No Problem! Are you tired of listening to same terrible top 40 songs and feeling like you have no soul or taste?  I’m not writing music reviews over there at Pitchfork (call me!) or anything, but I fancy myself fairly well versed in non shitty music. We’ll start off easy-like depending on your musical tastes (Modest Mouse, Passion Pit, The Postal Service) and then move on to the good stuff (too many to list) .  No Kings of Leon, though. I hate those guys.  So, so overated. Anywhoos, you’ll be amazed how much happier you are when you’re not listening to bad music all day at work! 

 

Personal assistant. (No funny business!)  I’ll come over for a nominal fee and do all the things you hate to do! If you’re anything like me these tasks include, but are not limited to, walking your dogs, laundry and checking your mail. I’ll also run a various assortment of errands for you but none that involve me leaving the five mile radius of the Fan. Sorry, a girl’s gotta have standards!

Cockney Tutor. (The accent! No funny business!) Want to trick people when you’re out that you work for BP Oil just to see their reaction? Then look no further because my skills will have you convincing people that you’re “awfully sorry about that Gulf!” in three sessions, money back not guaranteed!

If you’re interested in any of the above mentioned services, becoming an investor, my rich boyfriend or just all around super generous person who likes to donate money to the less fortunate, hit me up at cafedarkness@gmail.com!

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3 thoughts on “Help Me Make it Rain!

  1. I tried to get you to be my new bestie. I was hoping that I wouldn’t have to resort to paying you and all. I mean, it gets all complicated because then I’d have to issue you a 1099 so you can pay taxes and sh!t on the earnings, and that’s just alot of hassle!

    ‘sides, you wouldn’t want to come up here with all the crazy ass tourists descending on the city like it’s the 4th of July in DC or something. Especially if you hate people as much as I do!

  2. Listen, I want to help you. If you’re willing to cover a local bird (any bird species will do) in oil or vaseline or anything particularly viscous, put it in a cage, bring it to my door step and then humanely put it out of its misery with a large rock (that I will supply), I’ll toss you a c-note.

    You see it’s not the money I care about, or even the birds untimely death. It’s more about the look on your face as you kill the bird. That’s what matters to me.

    You have until Sunday.

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