RICHMOND, VA. Governor Bob McDonnell confirmed recent speculations earlier today that he instructed Mother Nature to, “bring her ‘A game’” to the state of Virginia and “really go full throttle with the shitty weather.”
Meteorologists across the Commonwealth have been assuming something was amiss for months now. Bob Smith, Chief Meteorologist for the National Weather Service in Wakefield, Virginia, told reporters earlier today that the weather Virginians have suffered from the torrential and daily fall downpours, to the relentless winter snow storms and now to the insufferable 100 degree heat and humidity, “is just not fucking possible without some sort of legislative mandate.” “C’mon,” he continued, “this is absurd. It’s only June”, he said in between blotting sweat from his brow.
When McDonnell was asked the reason for the climatological mandate for year-round intolerable weather, McDonnell responded he was hoping the “gays and blacks would throw in the towel and move. Liberals, too. Skedaddle!” McDonnell further elaborated he would prefer the undesirable residents to go, “someplace more brown and gay, like New York. Or even Chicago. I just want them the hell out of Virginia and if putting the good, Christian conservative residents of our great state through a little hell on earth until they leave, then that’s a risk I’m willing to take.”
At press time, zero people have decided to leave Virginia based on its terrible weather, but several of McDonnell’s constituents and local trailer park residents were suffering the early signs of heat stroke due to lack of air conditioning in their mobile homes.