Archive for July, 2010

The Old Man and Me!

Hiya, Sexy!

On Wednesday evening a friend and yours truly headed to a nearby bar for a couple of pre-party cocktails.  I go to this establishment on the regular mainly because 1-I can smoke like a lady in there and 2-it’s right down the street from my house. Think Cheers except none of the wait staff knows my name and I get hooked up never on my tab. It’s pretty fucking sweet. Anywhoos, so I go up to the bar to get a round o wines and this extremely intoxicated older “genlemen” (and I’m using that term veeeery loosely) stumbles over to me and tells me I’m the most beautiful girl he’s ever seen. SCORE!  His name is Charlie and he’s a regular there. Color me surprised as I never would have guessed this Stage 5 alcoholic senior citizen was a regular anywhere.  He says he’s shocked he’s never seen me there before? I replied that i’m not normally boozing at 5:45 pm on a Wednesday but by the looks of it, he’s been there for quite some time.  Then he started caressing my back in that lovingly disgusting way that only a really intoxicated 60-year-old man can. I got my drinks and scampered back to the table ASAP.

Not ten minutes later Grandpa Charlie lurched over and kindly offered to buy us a round of whiskey shots. He said to put it on his tab, he’d gladly pay for it.  As appealing as shots of rail whiskey sounded at 6:00 pm we politely declined.  Do you think Grandpa was donezo trying to woo the one and only TLW?  Hayell to the no.  Old folk are stubborn and ornery like whoah!  If I give Grandpa any props, it was his tenacity and persistence.  As we were leaving he attempted one last time to win my heart with a really awkward twirly dance move whilst introducing himself to me for the third time.  One to always reward hard work, I decided to make out with him in the back office.  LOL/JK. I totes didn’t. But now I think I know my target dating demographic much, much better.  Old dudes are the way to go. If you need me this weekend, I’ll be hitting up the early bird special at the Golden Corral. Extra gravy, please!

There Are No Bad Dates, Just Bad People.

And You Say You Never Win Anything!

You know when you meet that special someone and you have butterfly-ey, happy, everything is unicorns shitting rainbows and leprechauns and mermaids? Yeah, me either. Normally my experiences range from, “meh, yeah I’d maybe do him drunk” to “oh my god shoot me in the face”.  But sometimes they surpass all expectations and become a whole new way to measure future encounters with the less fair sex. Take the other night for example. All I was interested in doing after work was sitting around in my underoos and watching some bad reality television. Instead I dealt with something else entirely. I’ll let these exchanges speak for themselves: 

Me: I don’t like racist jokes 

Him: Why not, they’re funny! 

Me: No. They’re not. 

———————————————————————————————-

Him: Why don’t you like Sarah Palin? 

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Him: I don’t care about the BP Oil Spill. It’s natural. 

Me: Birds covered in oil is natural? We’re done here. 

Him: Serious? 

Me: You like Sarah Palin and don’t care about oily birds! Yes, I’m serious! 

———————————————————————————————-

Him: I think we can find some common ground. 

Me: Both of us liking red wine isn’t “common ground”. 

———————————————————————————————-

Him: Next you’ll tell me you believe in Global Warming. 

———————————————————————————————-

Him: If I won the lottery, would you travel the world with me? 

Me: No. 

———————————————————————————————-

Me: This is Hot Chip and I love it. 

Him: I hate it. 

———————————————————————————————-

Me: You believe in aliens and you don’t believe in global warming? 

Him: Yes. 

———————————————————————————————-

Me: Are you going to be okay to drive home? 

Him: Can I stay? 

Me: No. 

———————————————————————————————-

Him: Do you want to date me 

Me: ………um….No. 

———————————————————————————————-

So there ya have it, folks. I’m off the market. OBVIOUSLY. Sorry, fellas. Better luck next time.

Pug Life

For those of y’all who don’t read me on the Twitters (which makes zero sense) and aren’t lucky enough to be my friend on Facespace (sorry), you may not know that I have a new favorite obsession. No, it’s not woo woos or unicorns or kicking the elderly in their shins. It’s Pugs.  Like the dog.  I know, right? Weird. It all started when I took my car into the shop to get a flat tire fixed on Friday. Much to my delight there was not one, but two of these fat fucks waddling around the front office.  One slowly meandered over to me after eating for seemingly an hour and started snorting and squealing like bananas. “Oh my God!” I said to the guy behind the desk. “What’s it doing? It’s fu-REAKing the hell out!”  He assured me it was completely normal for Mr. Peebles or whatever his name was to start shrieking like a hyena whilst snorting like a wild boar.  Immediately I was intrigued.  Then I saw this video and was sold:

These are clearly the weirdest creatures on the planet. Even more curious? Their owners who make videos like this.

And this.  

 

By Friday afternoon I coined the term “Pug Life” and “Straight Puggin” to try to capture the weird, magical existence of these dogs.  They just may be the canine equivalent to unicorns, but it’s too soon to tell.  Please note: I have no desire to own one of these weirdos. I simply want to admire and gaze at them from afar and perhaps, upon occasion, hear one squeal and shriek with delight.

Local Woman Arrested For Assault

RICHMOND, VA-Local office worker TLW was arrested Friday morning for physically assaulting a coworker in her company break room. The incident occurred at approximately 9:30 and was precipitated by her coworker asking her if it was, “hot enough outside for her”.  TLW, who had just thought to herself not two seconds prior if one more of these assholes asks me if it’s hot enough outside, I’m going to completely lose it.  “It’s hot outside. I get it. Jesus. Christ.” She told reporters earlier today. 

Nine out of ten doctor’s agree that being repeatedly asked if it’s hot enough outside for them can cause a break from reality upon hearing the question, which anyone with a low IQ and nothing of any substance to say asks approximately 120-589 times per day. 

TLW pled guilty to assaulting her coworker with a plastic Tupperware container filled with yogurt and granola and threw herself on the mercy of the court at a preliminary hearing later this afternoon.  “I’m sorry, but I just couldn’t take it anymore, your Honor.  Between being asked if I watched The Bachelorette and asking me if it was hot enough outside for me, I just completely lost control.” 

After hearing the tireless accounts of coworker’s stories about their children’s basketball games and Color Me Pretty Parties, the judge agreed that her actions were warranted and even went so far as declaring July 23rd as TLW Day, which is now a federal and state holiday.  At press time, TLW was celebrating her new holiday by drinking vats of wine and pop n locking in a nearby club.

Wednesday is the new Randomday! Duh!

Yes!

Top o the mornin’ to ya, poppets!  Boy oh boy, there’s a lot going on right now so let’s get right to it.

RVA’s greatest love affair is back on! No, no. I’m not talking about me and my imaginary boyfriend, Alejandro (who is absolutely perfect by the way). I’m talking about T Saur and his cheatin’ girlfriend/ex girlfriend/girlfriend. He decided to “roll the dice” a third time and see how things pan out with his “chick”.  Good call, idiot.  Related: if he says the word “chick” to me one more time I’m going to roundhouse kick him in his sallow, haggard face.

You guys, check this shit out! Someone else besides my mom thinks I’m (semi/maybe/okay not really at all) funny and who else do I have to thank for this besides the one and only Sara Palin!  Finally my useless English degree and hatred for right-wing nut jobs has paid off!  Dying. I am dead now. Now my cat is homeless.

Last night I was out for a ditty and enjoyed some $1.00 Greyhounds (heaven) when I went outside for a smoke break.  One extremely intoxicated gentle fellow drunkenly ambles over and all I’m thinking is that I wanted to enjoy my sweet cig and play some Words With Friends and no, I don’t want to talk to you, but thanks for coming out.  Baby Jesus ignored my wishes (JUST LIKE HE ALWAYS DOES!) and he comes over and throws out what may be the best (and by best I mean worst) pickup line I’ve ever heard:

Him: Sooooooooo I was just wondering……….(insert pause for an awkward amount of time here)…….how…uh….how…uh…SHORT are you?  You’re REALLY….uh….SHORT!

Me: Ha! Oh dear!

Him: So…..right…..what was the question?

Me: My height. You wanted to know my height. Don’t worry about the numbers, just know I’m a legal midget. And we prefer the term “little people”.

Him: Oh…….ah…….ok….gotta go.

Me: See ya!  

I love that guy. I want to make him my baby daddy/future ex husband. Call me!

Ask Cafe Darkness!

It’s been way too long since I’ve answered your questions. I apologize. I’ve been busy obsessing about the BP oil spill, but oily pelicans are no excuse to ignore you!  Let’s get to it, shall we?

Dear Café Darkness,

 

My boyfriend and I recently broke up, but I was thinking we could still be friends. Is this a good idea?

 

Sincerely,

 

Friends in the Fan

 

No. Next question.

 

 

 

Dear Café Darkness,

 

Lately it seems every guy I meet becomes totally obsessed with me and won’t leave me alone. How do I let them know that I don’t want them to call, text, come over, stay over and be around me 24/7?

Sincerely,

Too Hot To Cool Down in Manchester

Dear Hot Stuff,

I get it. Trust me.  You brought your milkshake to the yard and boys were all, “oh hells yes” and now they won’t leave you alone. I, too, suffer a similar affliction. I call it “being awesome”. So what can you do to make sure your male suitors don’t fall in love with you?  First of all, tell them such. I make sure I dispense this bit of info on the second date. Just a simple “don’t like me” will suffice.  It won’t work, but at least you got it out there. Second, make sure you don’t answer (most of) their phone calls and texts. This will let them know they’re not a top priority in your life. Thirdly (and this is the most important one of all) after making the sexy make sure they know that you’ve had better and you’re considering not doing that with them ever again. If you follow these three simple tips, you’ll enjoy a summer of breaking hearts all over RVA! Enjoy!

Responsible Me!

This

I’ve been on quite the tear recently.  Getting rowdy as I want to, kissing people I shouldn’t and all around ridiculous behavior.  Monday’s epic hangover was so grand that even the thought of boozing made me want to toss my cookies, something that has never happened before. Weird, I know.  However, remembering how I felt has (maybe for a minute) made me turn a new leaf! No more shots (for serious this time and I mean it), no more making out with people that I have no interest in (I really, really, I mean this one) and no more bananas behavior period! 

Normally when I decide to be responsible it 1-lasts for a day and 2-I hate it.  However, this week has been different.  It’s nice not being exhausted every morning when I wake up.  My fitness has been off the chain.  Most surprisingly I’ve actually enjoyed staying in reading and drinking my sleepy-time tea.  I’ll be the first to say I give this another week max, but for now it’s Responsible TLW.  Sorry y’all. I may be in da club, but maybe not, there’s a sweet ass documentary on PBS I’ve been trying to watch for a while now.

To All the Single Ladies!

Wheeeeee!

To all the single ladies of RVA, I have great news! T Saur is single and available once again. If you do recall, just three short weeks ago I regrettably informed you Richmond’s most eligible bachelor was off the market. I also predicted she would soon screw him over post-haste as she cheated on him within the first week of their relationship (HA!).  Besides that little snafu, the first two and half weeks were great! They went running together (at which point he wore his red Iverson basketball shoes-for serious)!  They went on day trips together to Luray Caverns! He even watched her guinea pigs and rabbits when she was out of town!  What fun!

 

Well, like all good things, it came to end.  Shit went down over Fourth of July weekend. Romeo and Juliet had themselves a dinner date on Saturday night, but when Juliet didn’t call Romeo by six, that crazy bastard stopped by her house “because he was in the area”. Turns out T’s lady love made dinner plans with another guy “friend” and figured they could just hang out later.  T waited by the phone all night to meet up with her, only to go to bed disappointed and alone.  When she called him the next day he stood his ground and told her that any didn’t appreciate being “disrespected” like that. Several text messages later, the couple was donezo. Sadsauce!

 

All last week T Saur was super sad and wasn’t talking to anyone (yeah!) so it wasn’t until Monday when he decided to break it down to me. If y’all recall, I had the world’s worst hangover on Monday so it was really hard for me to tolerate his stench, but ever the dedicated procurer of information, I held steady as she goes.  He explained he called her last Friday to apologize for breaking their Fourth of July plans on Monday. I about freaked the fuck out right there (partially from dehydration, partially from disbelief) and told him to hold the phone.  “You apologized for not keeping a date after you broke up?” He said, yes, he felt bad so he wanted to say he was sorry. I then explained that it’s not “breaking a date” once you’ve “broken up”. “I didn’t call and apologize to my ex husband for missing his past two birthdays, youknowwhati’msayin’?” He said he did, but I could tell from that ever-present vacant look in his eye, he did not.  I predict they’re back together within the month, so ladies, if you see T out and about in his natural habitat, holler loudly! 

 

UPDATE: I was just informed less than two minutes ago he was “getting back on that horse” and had “locked one down for Friday night”. Get moving, ladies! He’s ready for some action!

Local Blogger Suffers World’s Worst Hangover

Gross to the max

RICHMOND, VA. Local blogger and lady-about-town, TLW, suffered what doctors described as the “world’s worst hangover” yesterday.  TLW, whose self-proclaimed bender started on Friday and continued through Sunday evening, states the hangover was, “well-deserved.”  “I mainly blame the World Cup….and BP”, she told reporters earlier in the day.

Upon waking up on Monday morning, she quickly realized she was “in for it” when she was still a, “wee bit tipsy” walking her dogs at 6:30 AM.  Throughout the day on Monday her conditioned worsened until she debated throwing up in the bathroom at work but decided to just stare blankly at her cube walls instead.  Around 3 pm yesterday the symptoms hit their peak when she simultaneously wanted to cry and pass out in a desk drawer. 

At press time the thought of even looking at an alcoholic beverage was enough to conjure up memories of Rumplemintz, keg beer and poor choices, and she was unsure if she would, “ever be able to drink again. At least until Thursday for sure.”

Where you should be on Thursday

You know what I hate? Oily pelicans. I also don’t care for sea turtles being set on fire alive. Dead dolphins really make me sad, too.   I hate BP. Fuck those assholes.  Besides getting into fights with Brits (and then subsequently making out with them) and cheering against England hard during the World Cup, what else can a gal do?  I’m not Al Gore. I didn’t invent the internets and get an inappropriate massage.  I’m just a small town girl living in a lonely world.

Oh, wait.  Here’s a thought. How about you and all of your friends and real dolls go to the Gulf Give RVA fundraiser on Thursday?  It’s at Legend’s Brewery, which is fucking awesome. There will be bands and a silent auction which is amazing. I’ll be there, so you know it’s going to kick ass.  All of the proceeds go to The Gulf Restoration Network, which, if you didn’t know, is pretty busy these days. 

Bands and brewskies to help the Gulf?  Well, I don’t mind if I do, gov’nah!  See you poppets, there!

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