TEXAS CITY, TEXAS-Standing on the tar-filled shores of a Texas City beach, British Petroleum CEO Tony Hayward pledged that his company would do, “everything in its power” to restore the delicate ecosystem of the Gulf Coast after an oil leak in the Deepwater Horizon began gushing millions of gallons of oil in what is now the worst environmental disaster in the nation’s history. All of the Gulf States have now been affected by the spill as oil continues to flow unchecked.
Hayward said his company, “is working around the clock to contain the leak and ohmygod did you hear about Lindsay Lohan getting sentenced to 90 days in jail?!” Hayward continued that BP, “deeply regrets the devastation to the local economy, wildlife and sweet Jesus if a gorgeous starlet like Lindsay Lohan can be sentenced to jail over something silly like consistently violating the terms of her probation, what was going to happen to me? Mean Girls is my favorite movie ever and I’m burning sea turtles alive for fuck’s sake!”
Hayward promised full reparations to local fisherman and vowed to clean off, “all those pesky oily pelicans post haste and oh shit can you believe she painted ‘fuck you’ on her fingernails in court?! What a firecracker!”
He concluded the press conference assuring the public the oil should be contained by August and wondered if Lindsay found older, megalomaniacal men with British accents attractive? “If so”, he stated, “call me.”