Top o the mornin’ to ya, poppets! Boy oh boy, there’s a lot going on right now so let’s get right to it.
RVA’s greatest love affair is back on! No, no. I’m not talking about me and my imaginary boyfriend, Alejandro (who is absolutely perfect by the way). I’m talking about T Saur and his cheatin’ girlfriend/ex girlfriend/girlfriend. He decided to “roll the dice” a third time and see how things pan out with his “chick”. Good call, idiot. Related: if he says the word “chick” to me one more time I’m going to roundhouse kick him in his sallow, haggard face.
You guys, check this shit out! Someone else besides my mom thinks I’m (semi/maybe/okay not really at all) funny and who else do I have to thank for this besides the one and only Sara Palin! Finally my useless English degree and hatred for right-wing nut jobs has paid off! Dying. I am dead now. Now my cat is homeless.
Last night I was out for a ditty and enjoyed some $1.00 Greyhounds (heaven) when I went outside for a smoke break. One extremely intoxicated gentle fellow drunkenly ambles over and all I’m thinking is that I wanted to enjoy my sweet cig and play some Words With Friends and no, I don’t want to talk to you, but thanks for coming out. Baby Jesus ignored my wishes (JUST LIKE HE ALWAYS DOES!) and he comes over and throws out what may be the best (and by best I mean worst) pickup line I’ve ever heard:
Him: Sooooooooo I was just wondering……….(insert pause for an awkward amount of time here)…….how…uh….how…uh…SHORT are you? You’re REALLY….uh….SHORT!
Me: Ha! Oh dear!
Him: So…..right…..what was the question?
Me: My height. You wanted to know my height. Don’t worry about the numbers, just know I’m a legal midget. And we prefer the term “little people”.
Him: Oh…….ah…….ok….gotta go.
Me: See ya!
I love that guy. I want to make him my baby daddy/future ex husband. Call me!