Local Woman Arrested For Assault

RICHMOND, VA-Local office worker TLW was arrested Friday morning for physically assaulting a coworker in her company break room. The incident occurred at approximately 9:30 and was precipitated by her coworker asking her if it was, “hot enough outside for her”.  TLW, who had just thought to herself not two seconds prior if one more of these assholes asks me if it’s hot enough outside, I’m going to completely lose it.  “It’s hot outside. I get it. Jesus. Christ.” She told reporters earlier today. 

Nine out of ten doctor’s agree that being repeatedly asked if it’s hot enough outside for them can cause a break from reality upon hearing the question, which anyone with a low IQ and nothing of any substance to say asks approximately 120-589 times per day. 

TLW pled guilty to assaulting her coworker with a plastic Tupperware container filled with yogurt and granola and threw herself on the mercy of the court at a preliminary hearing later this afternoon.  “I’m sorry, but I just couldn’t take it anymore, your Honor.  Between being asked if I watched The Bachelorette and asking me if it was hot enough outside for me, I just completely lost control.” 

After hearing the tireless accounts of coworker’s stories about their children’s basketball games and Color Me Pretty Parties, the judge agreed that her actions were warranted and even went so far as declaring July 23rd as TLW Day, which is now a federal and state holiday.  At press time, TLW was celebrating her new holiday by drinking vats of wine and pop n locking in a nearby club.

Posted in rtd

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