You know when you meet that special someone and you have butterfly-ey, happy, everything is unicorns shitting rainbows and leprechauns and mermaids? Yeah, me either. Normally my experiences range from, “meh, yeah I’d maybe do him drunk” to “oh my god shoot me in the face”. But sometimes they surpass all expectations and become a whole new way to measure future encounters with the less fair sex. Take the other night for example. All I was interested in doing after work was sitting around in my underoos and watching some bad reality television. Instead I dealt with something else entirely. I’ll let these exchanges speak for themselves:
Me: I don’t like racist jokes
Him: Why not, they’re funny!
Me: No. They’re not.
Him: Why don’t you like Sarah Palin?
Him: I don’t care about the BP Oil Spill. It’s natural.
Me: Birds covered in oil is natural? We’re done here.
Me: You like Sarah Palin and don’t care about oily birds! Yes, I’m serious!
Him: I think we can find some common ground.
Me: Both of us liking red wine isn’t “common ground”.
Him: Next you’ll tell me you believe in Global Warming.
Him: If I won the lottery, would you travel the world with me?
Me: This is Hot Chip and I love it.
Him: I hate it.
Me: You believe in aliens and you don’t believe in global warming?
Me: Are you going to be okay to drive home?
Him: Can I stay?
Him: Do you want to date me
So there ya have it, folks. I’m off the market. OBVIOUSLY. Sorry, fellas. Better luck next time.