If someone could please tell me why only insane guys want to date me, I would repay you with a trillion high fives and Kool-Aid dances. For serious. What the fuck is going on? Ever since I split from the hubbers the only guys I’ve dated in various forms of seriousness are all completely crazy.
Let’s just look at this weekend as it is a perfect example of the weirdos who want themselves a piece of TLW. I was stoked because I thought my stalker got the hint that no, I don’t want to be your girlfriend-pizza, or no pizza! Just as I utter these words at dinner on Friday, Hannibal Lector must have known I was talking about him and texts me to “see what’s up”. Ah! Nothing is “up”. Jesus Christ. I’m so over people asking me “what’s up”. The fucking sky. That’s what up. Shit!
Later in da club I get approached by a fellow and we had the following exchange:
Him: Hey, What’s up? I’m in an open relationship and my girlfriend doesn’t care when I hook up with other people. She actually likes it and sometimes likes to join!
Me: Oh my God. Are you asking me to be in a threesome with you?
Him: Sure. Why not?
Me: Gross. No.
A bit later I ran into a guy who tried to my baby daddy last year. One of the “dates” he asked me on involved taking tequila shots at Cafe Diem at 11 on a school night. Zexy, right? Every time I run into this guy I just *know* he’ll start texting me again. This morning I woke up to an unknown number asking me yet again what was up.
Him: Good morning, TLW. What’s up?
Me: Who is this?
Him: (Fill in name here) from Friday night.
Him: How was the rest of your Friday night?
Him: Want to do something later this week?
So here’s what I’m asking to all the creepy ass weirdos in the RVA. Can y’all just leave me the hell alone? I don’t want to hook up with you. I don’t want to date you. All I want is sit at home and watch bad reality television in my underwear with my dogs and play Words With Friends. I don’t want to hook up, date or do anything with any of you. So please, leave me now and go live your life.