For the past several months my job, which I already loathe tremendously, has been even more tedious and excruciating due to the presence of the most loathsome people on the planet. These people are called “auditors” and they are the most vile, despicable excuses for human beings I’ve ever encountered. At first I was semi-pleasant to them. I gave them dead eyes, which is about the most cordial I can be on the daily here at Steal Your Soul, Inc.
Two months and several hundred emails later I now have dreams of punching these people in the face (for serious). And it feels SO good. This morning I needed a drink by 8:02 AM when I read the onslaught of emails sent after I left for the day. I’m telling a coworker in the break room how I now finally *get* how people completely and totally lose their shit at work and just go ballistic (a la Steven Slater my new hero!) when in saunters T Saur, a full thirty minutes, early per the norm. He interjects his words of wisdom and says that perhaps they’re not used to working in a “corporate culture”. “Huh? What? They work for a CORPORATION. THEY’RE AUDITORS. What the fuck. Do you think they’re like Gollum trying to find their precious and all of a sudden they’re in some corporate office unawares of how they got there?” Side note: what’s up with me and Lord of the Rings references recently? Christ, it’s like I hot tub timed machine back to 2003. If that’s the case, “No, I will not marry you!” Booyah!
Anywhoos, after I explained that auditors work in offices just like the rest of us losers he interjects in his non-sequatorial style that he recently purchased some whiskey and he was going to try whiskey sours this weekend. Seriously you guys, I think I’m part of some weird Tuskegee style experiment (except minus the syphilis and racism) to see how long a person can be surrounded by the crazy and not lose it. Either that or I’m on a Hidden Camera reality show that I bet is huge in Germany and South Korea. Either way, releases the Kraken. I’m donezo.