In case y’all didn’t notice, I have opinions on things most people don’t care about like how Bed and Breakfasts and old guys wearing bow ties are creepy. Last week over lots some of vino, Barista and I narrowed down the top five things I judge hard. Behold!
1-Republicans-This is pretty self explanatory, but I honestly don’t *get* how anyone is a Republican. For serious. Ew. They’re so judgy and racist and caring about my life when I don’t care about their life. I would respect them more if they just admitted they don’t like brown people. Or gay people. Or anyone who isn’t exactly like them. Gross. I’m going to go puke now.
2-Suburbs-I think suburbs are weird. I think people who enjoy living suburbs are even weirder. Would I like my own washing machine? Word to your mother. Would I want to live in a former cow pasture with no trees and bunch of other people just like me? No thanks.
3-SUVs-I’m sensing a theme here. Like Republicans and suburbs, SUVs are abhorrent and against my sensibilities as someone who is trying to not murder the environment. How in the world did people get around before these vehicles existed?! I mean, it’s totally necessary to drive a Suburban to the grocery store by yourself whilst you chat on your cell phone and almost run me over. Shopping for a family is hard!
4-Labels-I think it’s nasty when people are so excited about their things and who made their things they feel the need to broadcast it to the public. My eyes didn’t ask to see you have Chanel sunglasses or that you dropped a ton of cheddar on your purse you won’t use after a few months. There are people starving and you are so proud of yourself and your consumerism. You disgust me. Goodbye.
5-Parents-Now before everyone who has pushed a child out of their vag or knocked up a woman up who subsequently pushed a baby out of her vag, I don’t mean all parents. Rumor has it some of you aren’t annoying. Who I’m talking about are the men and women who reproduce and then are incapable of talking about or thinking about anything besides their children. I get it. Kids are rad. (For you, not me. I like naps and free time.) Here’s a PSA to the Breeders of America, not everyone gives a shit about your kid. Please stop torturing your childless coworkers, friends and family about your “crazy” parenting stories. Crazy is boozing until two AM on a Sunday and making it to work on time with no hangover. (Go me!)