It makes me sad to think some of y’all don’t read my Twitters. It makes me even sadder when people on the Twitters don’t read the CD. Why wouldn’t you read both? This is free self-deprecating comedic gold! Feel better about your life choices and read both! Duh! For those of you who don’t read the Twitters, let me showcase some of more recent favorites in a 140 characters or less:
Fall is officially here! Spotted my first hipster in a hoodie. To celebrate I just judged everyone’s taste in music. Everything sounds better on vinyl.
Facespace taught me 1 thing: it’s if you accidentally ingest rat poison and need to vomit immediately read the comments under any baby pic. Seriously. It worked for me last night. Fact: Not every person is cute; ergo not every baby is cute. Just sayin’.
UVA is the worst. So glad I wasn’t smart enough to come here. It’s like DTSP on aids. There are so many privileged white people there I didn’t know what to do with myself last weekend! Also, I suppose I should have said “with AIDS”, but I had been drinking for hours when I wrote that. Plus also, “on aids” just sounds funnier. It’s like, “Hi, you’re on aids”.
Missing! Large chunks of my night! If found, call me! Blacking out. LOL.
Christ, can I get my period already? Just cried over a fucking Charlie St. Cloud preview. Fml. PMS. LOL.
If Turbo Tax asked me if I was married w/ kids one more time I would have sworn it was Christmas and I was drunk and crying in the corner. Classic!
You say potato, I say ALEJANDRO! I’m not sure when I’ll stop Tweeting about Alejandro, but if I had to guess, it won’t be anytime soon.
Wish I were a baby so people would tell me how cute I am even when I was covered in drool. Can moms get their own Facespace please where all they do is comment on each others pictures? It would make me SO much happier. I learned the hard way to never comment or like any baby picture on Facespace lest you be inundated with a million emails from every single woman who has pushed a baby out of herself who is compelled by the power of Christ to also comment on “how precious!!!!” said picture is. Dislike.
Hey, OnDemand! The “very best of Kings of Leon” is an oxymoron. Like jumbo shrimp. Or sexy Republican. The only Kings of Leon concert I wish I ever attended was the one when the bird shit all over them. Uh. They suck so hard. Go away.
In case you were wondering, yes, you do look as dumb as you feel in that group fitness class. FACE!
Your six-year-old is on an anti-depressant. Oh. What is a six-year-old depressed about? Dora the Explorer being a re-run? Gross. Parenting in 2010: If your child is sad, mad, happy or sleepy put ‘em on Zoloft!