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Asshole

The longer I’m alive the more I realize I’m bothered by things that most people don’t even give a second thought to (i.e. Bed & Breakfasts and checking my mail). Conversely, things that make other people go bananas don’t faze me in the slightest (i.e. my pollen covered kitchen floor I didn’t clean for weeks last Spring).  Please see below:

Things I can’t stand:

People who back into parking spaces. I hate you. You’re wasting everyone’s time. Just. Pull. In. This morning I saw a woman hold up traffic in my parking deck by backing in her space. In the amount of time it took her to park, I parked my car and walked the length of the deck to the stairs. Please note she was still parking when I descended the stairs, so she could still be sitting there readjusting her stupid spot for all I know. 

Riding in elevators with strangers. This creeps me out to no end. I will walk up a trillion flights of stairs before I ride in an elevator with someone I don’t know.  Standing so close to a person in silence is maybe second to none to getting a gynecological exam whilst talking about your vacation plans.  (Hi, you’re feeling my ovaries; I don’t want to talk about The Outer Banks right now.)  The more people in the elevator, the worse it is and I start to feel like a trapped Chilean miner within seconds of the elevators doors closing, but without the psychological treatment they’re receiving on the daily.

Going to the movies. I don’t like people telling me I need to be someplace to watch something. Similarly, I do not watch anything on TV when it actually airs. If it’s not OnDemand, I don’t know what you’re talking about.  I do things when I want to do them, not when The Man says I should. Run and tell dat, homeboy!

Cleaning things that don’t need to be cleaned. Did you know some people bring cleaning supplies with them when they stay in a hotel?  Me either. Did you know some people clean the inside of their washing machines?  Same.  How about people that actually take the time to store their winter or summer clothes properly and place dryer sheets between them?  Who are these people?  Where did you learn to do this?  I’m scared. Leave me now, go live your weird, strange life.

 

Things that don’t bother me:

My moldy shower.  This would really skeeve a lot of people out, and understandably so, but for some reason my shower mold is kinda like an old friend. We hang out a little bit every day (ish) and catch up on life events. I heart my shower mold. Don’t go changin’, boo! I like you just the way you are!

Eating the same thing everyday.  I don’t really care that much about food, thus eating the exact same thing everyday does not annoy me.  I pretty much just eat whatever is the cheapest thing at the grocery store that week because I’m too poor to eat fancy. Pass me the peanut butter, bitches!

Unorganized closets and kitchen cabinets.  I was shocked and appalled when I recently discovered that people organize these things.  Like for real. They’re straight up neat.  I had gone all of these years assuming everyone just shoved their crap in the closet like I did and shut the door. I mean, why wouldn’t you? Isn’t that what closets are for? To store all of your stuff you don’t want out and about?  You don’t see the inside of the closet and/or cabinets so why does it need to be organized? I’ve got better uses of my time than organizing a closet. Like napping. Or petting my dogs.

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